Coach Jokes / Recent Jokes

A college football lineman married one of the team’s cheerleaders. The coach said, “You’re such a big guy–why did you marry such a petite woman? She’s no bigger than your hand. ”
“That’s right, Coach, ” replied the lineman, “but she’s much better! ”

At a college with a shady reputation, the new dean responded to investigations into the basketball team by suspending any basketball player who wasn't maintaining a passing average. Furious, the coach came storming into the dean's office, followed by one of his star players." You can't keep him from playing!" the coach roared. "We won't win this weekend without him!""I don't care," the dean said. "Things have gotten out of hand at this college." "What do you mean, out of hand?" the coach demanded." I'll show you what I mean," the dean said. He turned to the basketball player and said, "Tell me, how much is six times seven?" The player thought for several seconds. Then he said, "Thirty- one?" The dean turned to the coach and said, "I rest my case." "Oh, come on now," the coach said. "Why are you making such a big deal of it? After all, he only missed it by one."

The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"

So the Jamaicans did it with "Cool Runnings"... not to be outdone, the Israelis had the best downhill slalom skier in the world.
They went up to the Winter Olympics with high hopes of the Gold Medal. Through the practices they watched the Austrians, the Swiss, the Germans, the Italians and the Swedish ski down the hill and through the gates.
But the Israeli KNEW that he had it in the bag. He had easily beaten every one of those other guys times!
Come the day of the competition, the Israeli is drawn to ski last. They watched the Austrian - 35.7 seconds. Then the Italian, 35.2... and so on, until it came to the Israeli entry.
The coach waited anxiously at the bottom... 6 and a half MINUTES later, the Israeli crossed the line!
The coach was furious. "What the h*ll happened to you?!" he screeched.
"It wasn't my fault!" yelled back the skier. "Some b*st*rd nailed a mezzuzah to every gate!"

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"I did," said the centipede.
"Who stopped the rhino?"
"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.
"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"
"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.
"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.
"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles more...

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1, 000 or 1, 500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the' Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up more...

The asylum decided it would be good for the inmates to learn to work together. Thus they organized a baseball team, the star player of which was "Nuts" McGuirk. Unfortunately, though Nuts could slam the ball a mile and field like a demon, he had to be told what to do every step of the way. Thus, whenever Nuts had to play, the coach was always nearby.
The day of the first game arrived, and a large crowd gathered at a local stadium to see the lunatics play the doctors.
After nine innings it was a tie game. The inmates had the bases loaded, and there were two outs. Luckily, it was Nuts' turn to bat. The coach quietly whispered to him, "Up, Nuts!" and Nuts left the bench. "Bat, Nuts," he said, and the player went to the plate.
Alas, just then a vendor nearby shouted, "Peanuts!"