Cockpit Jokes / Recent Jokes

"Squawks" are problem listings that pilots generally leave for maintenance crews to fix before the next flight. Here are some squawks submitted by US Air Force pilots and the replies from the maintenance crews. (P)=PROBLEM (S)=SOLUTION (P) Left inside main tire almost needs replacement (S) Almost replaced left inside main tire (P) Test flight OK, except autoland very rough (S) Autoland not installed on this aircraft (P) #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid (S) #2 Propeller seepage normal - #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage (P) Something loose in cockpit (S) Something tightened in cockpit (P) Evidence of leak on right main landing gear (S) Evidence removed (P) DME volume unbelievably loud (S) Volume set to more believable level (P) Dead bugs on windshield (S) Live bugs on order (P) Autopilot in altitude hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent (S) Cannot reproduce problem on ground (P) IFF inoperative (S) IFF always inoperative in OFF mode (IFF-Identification Friend or Foe) more...

A beautiful blonde woman boards a flight to New York with a ticket for the coach section. She looks at the seats in coach and then at the ones up ahead in first class. Deciding that the first class seats look much larger and far more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty seat. When the flight attendant checks her ticket, she tells the woman that her seat is in coach.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful," the blonde says, "and 'I'm going to sit here all the way to New York."
The flustered flight attendant goes to the cockpit and tells the captain about the problem she's having with the blonde. The captain goes back and tells the blonde her assigned seat is in coach and she'll have to move.
"I'm young, blonde and beautiful and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York," says the blonde.
Not wanting to cause a commotion, the captain returns to the cockpit and discusses the blonde with his co-pilot. Since the co-pilot has a blonde more...

Basic rules for the C&D Method of instrument flight are fairly well known and are extremely simple. Here’s how it’s done:
1. Place a live cat on the cockpit floor; because a cat always remains upright. It can be used in lieu of a needle and ball. Merely watch to see which way the cat leans to determine if a wing is low and if so, which one.
2. The duck is used for instrument approach and landing. Because of the fact that any sensible duck will refuse to fly under instrument conditions, it is only necessary to hurl your duck out of the plane and follow it to the ground.
There are some limitations to the Cat and Duck Method, but by rigidly adhering to the following checklist, a degree of success will be achieved which will surely startle you, your passengers, and even an occasional tower operator.
1. Get a wide-awake cat. Most cats do not want to stand up at all. It may be necessary to carry a large dog in the cockpit to keep the cat at attention.
2. Make more...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
"What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
"I use them in my juggling act," says the juggler.
"Oh yeah?" "Let's see you do it." Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.A guy driving by sees this and says, "Wow, am I glad I stopped drinking. Look at the test they're making you do now!"
Take a Crap First "A jumbo jet is just coming into the Tampa Airport on its final approach.
The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Tampa. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Tampa Bay."
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, whatcha gonna do in Tampa?"
"Well," says the skipper, more...

1 When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.
2 Blue water Navy truism; There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky.
3 Never trade luck for skill.
4 The three most common expressions (or, famous last words) in aviation are, "Why is it doing that?"; "Where are we?" and "Ooh Shit!"
5 Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers.
6 Progress in airline flying; Now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant.
7 Airspeed, altitude or brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.
8 A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication.
9 I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous.
10 Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!
11 If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter - and therefore, more...

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripesheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form And then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never Let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some Actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance Engineers.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute Descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak more...