Coffin Jokes / Recent Jokes
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. “Here’s $30, 000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me. ”
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20, 000 into the envelope because he needed $10, 000 for a new baptistery. “Well, since we’re confiding in each other, ” said the doctor, “I only put $10, 000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20, 000. ” The lawyer was aghast. “I’m ashamed of both of you, ” he exclaimed. “I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30, 000. ”
A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his closest advisors: his doctor, his priest and his lawyer. "I know," he says, "They say' you can't take it with you. But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing $100, 000 and I would be grateful if at my funeral, you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish. Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, a the hospital we are desperate because of the cut backs in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, more...
An old man was on his death bed, and wanted to be buried with his money. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30, 000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I only put $20, 000 into the envelope because I needed $10, 000 to repair the roof of the church."
"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10, 000 in the envelope because we needed a new X-ray machine for the pediatrics ward at the hospital which cost $20, 000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, I enclosed a check for the full $30, 000."
A famous heart specialist doctor died and everyone was gathered at his funeral. A regular coffin was displayed in front of a huge heart. When the minister finished with the sermon and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart was opened, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed. Just at that moment one of the mourners started laughing. The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?" "I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied." What's so funny about that?" "I'm a gynecologist."
A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed each of them an envelope containing $25, 000 in cash. He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the next life.
A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and Clergyman, each concealed an envelope in the coffin and bid their old client and friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only $10, 000 in the envelope he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The envelope, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He more...
Q: What is the difference between a cello and a coffin?
A: The coffin has the corpse on the inside.
Q: Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes?
A: So you don`t have to retrain the cellists.
Q: How do you get a cellist to play fortissimo?
A: Write `pp, espressivo`.
A man was walking home alone one night when he heard a "BUMP....BUMP....BUMP..." behind him. Walking faster, he looked back, making out an image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards
him...."BUMP...BUMP...BUMP..."The man began to run toward his home, and the coffin bounced after him faster....faster...BUMP BUMP BUMP!He ran up to his door, fumbled with his keys, opened the door, rushed in, and locked it behind him. The coffin crashed through his door, with the lid of the coffin
clapping BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... on the heels of the terrified man. The man rushed upstairs to the bathroom and locked himself in, heart pounding.With a CRASH, the coffin broke down the door, coming slowly toward him. The man while screaming, reached for something, anything....all he can find was a box of cough drops which he hurled at the coffin.... and suddenly "the coffin stops!"