Color Jokes / Recent Jokes

"I'm going fishing." Really means... "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car." Really means.... "Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver." Really means.... "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen." Really means.... "As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing." Really means.... "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?" Really means.... "Why isn't it already on the more...

Russian President Putin called President George W. Bush with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!" "Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you,' replied the President. "I do need your help," said Yeltsin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tide us over?" "Why certainly! I'll get right on it," said Bush. "Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin. "Yes?" "Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10' long and 4' in diameter?" said Putin. "No problem," replied the President and, with that, George Dubya hung up and called the President of Freecondoms.com. "I need a favor, you've got to send 1,000,000 condoms right away over to Russia." "Consider it done," said the President of more...

Download a piece of Web authoring software: 20 minutes.
Think about what you want to write on your Web page: 6
weeks.
Download the same piece of Web authoring software,
because they have released 3 new versions since the first
time you downloaded it: 20 minutes.
Decide to just steal some images and awards to put on
your site: 1 minute.
Visit sites to find images and awards, find 5 of them
that you like: 4 days.
Run setup of your Web authoring software. After it fails,
download it again: 25 minutes.
Run setup again, boot the software, click all toolbar
buttons to see what they do: 15 minutes.
View the source of others' pages, steal some, change a
few words here and there: 4 hours.
Preview your Web page using the Web Authoring software:
1 minute.
Try to horizontally line up two related images: 6
hours.
Remove one of the images: 10 seconds.
Set the text's font color to the same color as more...

Q: What's the difference between a musician and a savings bond?
A: A savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

Q: What color is a guitar string?
A: Plink!
(It is the sound the a guitar makes. The word sounds like the color "pink.")

What goes "ZUB, ZUB"?
A bee flying backwards.(Buz, Buz)

(After teaching about telling time)
Teacher: What time is it?
Students: Umm, eight fifty-nine?
Teacher: Nope.
Students: About nine o'clock?
Teacher: No.
Students: What then?
Teacher: It's time to go home.

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond.
2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack.
4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents.
5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!'
6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles.
7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable.
8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King...
9....but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'.
10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.'
11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I.
12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a more...

1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream' MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King.. 9.. . but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're' astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from' Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say,' You mean you really can't more...

The Dictionary: what hi-tech salespeople say and what they mean by it

New: Different color from previous design.
All new: Parts not interchangable with previous design.
Unmatched: Almost as good as the competition.
Designed simplicity: Manufacturer's cost cut to the bone.
Foolproof operation: No provision for adjustments.
Advanced design: The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
Field-tested: Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
High accuracy: Unit on which all parts fit.
Direct sales only: Factory had big argument with distributor.
Years of development: We finally got one that works.
Revolutionary: It's different from our competitiors.
Breakthrough: We finally figured out a way to sell it.
Improved: Didn't work the first time.
Futuristic: No other reason why it looks the way it does.
Distinctive: A different shape and color than the others.
Re-designed: Previous faults corrected, we more...