Columns Jokes

THE Y1K CRISIS

Canterbury, England. A. D. 999.

An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.

Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.

All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes more...

Biology Christmas
THE NIGHT BEFORE DEFENCE
(or A Visit From Citrate)

Twas the night before defence, when all through te lab
Not a gel box was shaking, with stain or with MAb;
The columns were hung in the cold room with care,
In hopes that my protein, I soon could prepare;

The post-docs were nestled all smug in their beds,
While extracts of barley muddled their heads;
With the tech in the suburbs and PI the same,
I had just settled down to another video game.

When out of the fridge there arose such a clatter
I sprang from the terminal to see what was the matter.
Away to the cold box, I flew like a flash
But the stench was o'erpowering and I threw up beef hash.

The mould on the dampest of walls were cold
Had the softness of kittens only seven weeks old;
When what to my view, a thing I despise
But a half eaten sandwich and four tiny mice;

With a little old more...

THE Y1K CRISIS
Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.
An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called "Y1K Bug," a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.
Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.
All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled more...

After Coach Holmgren dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Holmgren a little two-room house with a faded Green Bay Packers banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.
Coach Holmgren looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows. Denver flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Broncos banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God, but let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Shanahan gets a huge mansion with Bronco banners and flags flying all over the place. Why is that?"
God looks at Holmgren seriously for a moment. "That's not Shanahan 's house," God says "That's my house."

After coach Osborne dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on tour. He shows Mr. Osborne a little two-room house with a faded University of Nebraska banner hanging from the front porch.
"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says. Mr. Osborne looks at the house, then turns around
and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill. It's a huge three-story mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all the windows.
Michigan flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge Michigan banner hangs between the marble columns.
"Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-room house with a faded banner and Lloyd Carr gets a mansion with new Michigan banners and flags flying all over the place.
"Why is that?" God looks at him seriously for a moment.
"That's not Carr's house," God says. "That's mine."