Commander Jokes / Recent Jokes
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:
"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."
EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:
"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."
COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:
"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in more...
A large group of Pakistani soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a Indian voice call from behind a sand dune. "One Indian Army soldier is better than ten Pakistanis."
The Pakistani commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Indian Army soldier is better than fifty Pakistanis."
Furious, the Pakistani commander sends his next best 50 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Indian voice calls out again "One Indian Army soldier is better than one hundred Pakistanis."
The enraged Pakistani Commander musters one hundred of his best fighters and sends then across the dune. Gunfire, grenades, machine gun fire, rockets, etc. ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Pakistani fighter crawls back over the dune more...
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune. "One Texas soldier is better than ten taliban".
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One Texan is better than one hundred taliban".
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The Texan voice calls out again "One Texan is better than one thousand taliban".
The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence.
Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more more...
The US Army is currently in the midst of a sexual harassment scandal. It started at a small base in Aberdeen, Maryland. These are some things you might either see in the news, or hear about:
As a result of an internal investigation, one of the Duty Officer's stunning, blonde staffers was transferred from Aberdeen Maryland to an obscure base in Utah. The woman reported to her new Commanding Officer and handed him her orders. He glanced at them and said, "Well Private, your duties here will be pretty much the same as your last assignment." The girl sighed and said, "Yes Sir. I kind-of figured that. Will be be OK if I drape my uniform over this chair?"
Then there was the newly promoted Army Captain who promptly had his female Quartermaster on the carpet because she forgot to include a sofa in his office.
"I'm telling you Jody, I've never been happier" said the one recruit to the other. I have two Drill Sergeants madly in love with me. One is just more...
One time there was an army camp in India that just received a new commander. During the new commanders first inspection everything checked out except one thing. There was a camel tied to a tree on the edge of the camp. The commander asked what it was for, one of the soldiers who had been stationed there for a while explained to him that the men sometimes get lonely since there where no woman there so they have the camel. The commander just let that go, but after a few weeks he was feeling very lonely so he ordered the men to bring the camel into his tent. The men did, and he went to work on it. After about an hour the commander came out zipped up his pants and said, "So is that how the other men do it?" One of the men responded, "No we usually just use the camel to ride into town."
The company commander saw the results of Private Gibbson's Firing exercise and his face fell. The private exclaimed plaintively: "Sir, I think I am going to commit suicide by shooting myself." "By shooting?" reasked the company commander, "Not a bad idea! But take as many cartridges as possible." --------------------------------------------------------------------------------When asked what he thought about the new squad radio, one Army sergeant told the man from the R&D agency: "This squad radio should be replaced with a good whistle."--------------------------------------------------------------------------------Little grandson asked: "Granddaddy, when you were in the Army and were posted as sentry at night, were you afraid?" "I was, grand sonny, but only until I fell asleep."
A young Air Force 2nd Lieutenant had just arrived at Misawa AFB in Japan.
He’d been given a beautiful renovated office and had it furnished with antiques.
Sitting there, he saw an enlisted man come into his outer office.
Wishing to appear the hot shot, the officer picked up the phone and started to pretend he was exchanging chit chat with the Base Commander.
He threw Colonel’s and General’s names around and talked about letting them stay in his Daddy’s condo in Hawaii, and then set up a golfing date between him, the Base Commander, and the CO’s of the Naval Security Group and Naval Air Facility.
Finally he hung up and asked the Sergeant, “Can I help you sergeant? ”
The TSGT said, “Yes sir, I’m here to activate your phone lines. ”