Commander Jokes / Recent Jokes

During the Six Day War, this division of Arabs is making its way across
the burning desert sands towards Israel, when the Arab commander, bouncing
along in his jeep, spots an aged Israeli on top a distant sand dune. The
commander drops his binoculars and shouts orders to a foot soldier to run
up ahead and kill the infidel Israeli. The soldier sprints ahead of the
advancing troops, and soon disappears over the sand dune. The general
stops the troops and waits to see what happens.
Nothing happens. The commander sends a whole platoon of soldiers to
investigate. All twelve Arabs disappear over the sand dune, never to be
seen again. The now-slightly-anxious commander dispatches 3 tanks to find
out just what in the heck is going on, and they disappear over the dune,
too. Sweat pours down the commander's forehead as he orders his entire
division to overrun the solitary Israeli behind the sand dune.
But just then, the first more...

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.
The commander yells, "Ready...Aim..." and the brunette yells "Earthquake!!!"
Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.
The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the redhead yells "Tornado!!!"
Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.
The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the blonde yells "Fire!!!"

Three women were being held in a foreign country. They were slated for the firing squad.The commander yells, "Ready...Aim..." and the brunette yells "Earthquake!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the brunette escapes.The commander then tells his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the redhead yells "Tornado!!!"Immediately the soldiers fall to the ground and in the confusion the redhead escapes.The commander then yells to his soldiers to get up. "Ready...Aim..." and the blonde yells "Fire!!!"

A Colonel issued the following directive to his executive officers:

“Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley’s Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it. ”

Executive officer to company commander:

“By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley’s Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years. ”

Company commander to lieutenant:

“By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley’s Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the more...

1945 - we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home.
2000 - they put the real thing in the cockpit.

1945 - your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive.
2000 - she is in the same trench praying your condom worked.

1945 - medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own.
2000 - medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters.

1945 - a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people.
2000 - a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt.

1945 - wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories.
2000 - wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.

1945 - all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again.
2000 - all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

In WW2 Captain Saunders was wounded in battle and captured by the Germans. He was sent to a German military hospital.
On his first day in the hospital a doctor came, bearing bad news, "we have to amputate your legs."
The Captain was very sad, however he asked the doctor if his legs could be dropped in his commanders next bombing mission over Britain. The doctor asked his commander, and he said yes.
And sure enough it was dropped.
On the second day the doctor came bearing more bad news, "we have to amputate your left arm."
The Captain was sadder than before, but he asked if this could also be dropped, in the commander's next mission. The answer was yes and it was dropped.
On the third day, the doctor came bearing even more bad news, "we have to amputate your right arm."
The Captain was also sad, and he asked the arm could be dropped in the next bombing mission. The doctor replied, "NO, my commander thinks you are trying to more...

This was a one panel cartoon in "Aboriginal Science Fiction."
On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth: An alien soldier and his commander.
Soldier to commander: "Well, now that we've captured their king they'll have to surrender!"
Behind them, bound and gagged: Elvis.