Commit Jokes / Recent Jokes

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the
morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
--Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it.
--Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink.
--G. K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
--Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who more...

Eighty-five year old Ralph was a witness in a burglary case.
"Did you see my client commit this burglary, Ralph?" the defense lawyer asked.
"I sure did," Ralph replied. "I saw him take the goods."
"Ralph, this happened at night," said the lawyer. "Are you positive you saw my client commit this crime?"
"No doubt about it," replied Ralph.
"Ralph, you're eighty-five years old and your eyesight probably isn't as good as it used to be," the lawyer said. "Just how far can you see?"
"I can see the moon," Ralph said proudly. "How far is that?"

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turned to the other and said, "See, that's how it's done."

I was going to commit suicide the other day, but I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.

I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I pushed "1" and he just stood there... I said, "Hi, where you going?" He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... We were in downtown Phoenix. I looked at him and said, "You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. Then the phone rang. He said, "You get it." I picked it up and said, "Hello?"... The other side said, "Is this more...

Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslims are so quick to commit
suicide.
Let's see now: No Jesus, No Wal-Mart, No Television, No Cheerleaders, No
baseball, No Football, No Basketball, No Hockey, No Golf, No Tailgate
Parties, No Home Depot.
No Pork BBQ, No Hot Dogs, No Burgers, No Lobster, No Shellfish, or even
frozen fish sticks, No Gumbo, No Jambalaya.
More than one wife.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he's sick and there are
no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy up in the tower.
No chocolate cookies. No Christmas.
You can't shave. Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey being cooked over
burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else. She smells just like your donkey,
but your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die more...

A MAN who had lost his hat decided that the simplest way to replace it was to go to church and steal one from the cloakroom. Once inside, he heard a sermon on the Ten Commandments. Coming out, he was greeted by the minister and said to him,' I want you to know, Reverend, that you saved me from crime. I came here with sin in my heart. I was going to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon I changed my mind.'
'Great/ exulted the minister.' Would you tell me what I said that led you to change your mind?'
'Well, Reverend, when you got to that part about "Thou shalt not commit adultery", I suddenly remembered where I had left my hat.'

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well I was trying to commit suicide" the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off???"

"No silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6, 000. 00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest.

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000. 00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."

Q: Why did the Davidians commit suicide? A: They were trying to keep up with the Joneses.