Competitive Jokes / Recent Jokes

*** How to interpret employment ads
"Competitive Salary" - We remain competitive by paying less
than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company" - We have no time to train
you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere" - We don't pay enough to expect
that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time
each weekend.

"Duties will Vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you
around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience" - You
will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must" - You are walking into a
company in perpetual chaos. Haven't heard a word from more...

Drinking oneself to death need not be a long lingering process. Allan, a 33-year-old computer technician, showed his competitive spirit by dying of competitive spirits.

A Sydney, Australia hotel bar held a drinking competition, known as Feral Friday, with a 100-minute time limit and a sliding point scale ranging from one point for beer to eight points for hard liquor.

Allan stood and cheered his winning total of 236 (winners never quit), which had also netted him the literally staggering blood alcohol level of 0. 353, seven times greater than Australia's legal driving limit of 0. 05%.

After several trips to the usual temple of overindulgence (the bathroom), Allan was helped back to his workplace to sleep it off, a condition that became permanent. A forensic pharmacologist estimated that after downing 34 beers, 4 bourbons, and 17 shots of tequila within an hour and 40 minutes, his blood alcohol level would have been 0. 41 to 0. 43, but Allan had vomited more...

The usual large flamboyant typeface associated with the season's greetings had been downsized this year commensurate with the trend toward corporate downsizing. [And the fact that SMTP does not support typeface control].
The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring at the North Pole.
Streamlining was appropriate in view of the reality that the North Pole no longer dominates the season's gift distribution business. Home shopping channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share and he could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through the purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated and more...

Employer's Lingo:
"COMPETITIVE SALARY" We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED TEAM" We have no time to train you.
"CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE" We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
"MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED" You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
"SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED" Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"DUTIES WILL VARY" Anyone in the office can boss you around.
"MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL" We have no quality control.
"CAREER-MINDED" Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
"APPLY IN PERSON" If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
"NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE" We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
"SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A more...

Whether you are a student looking for that first time or summer job or a long time veteran looking for a change of pace, this JOB SEARCH JARGON should help you get on your way...
COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
FLEXIBLE HOURS:
Work 55 hours; get paid for 37. 5.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want you to do.
ABILITY TO HANDLE A HEAVY WORKLOAD:
You whine, you're fired.
CAREER-MINDED:
We expect that you will want to flip hamburgers until you are 70.
SELF-MOTIVATED:
Management won't answer questions
SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend
DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.
COMPETITIVE ENVIRONMENT:
We have a lot of turnover.
SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER:
We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base more...

' COMPETITIVE SALARY:'
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

'JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:'
We have no time to train you.

'CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:'
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

'MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:'
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

'SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:'
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

'DUTIES WILL VARY:'
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

'MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:'
We have no quality control.

'CAREER-MINDED:'
Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

'SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE:'
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

'PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:'
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

'REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:'
You'll have the responsibilities of more...

CORPORATE MEMO
To: All Staff
Date: December 1
Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.
Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.
The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received more...