Congress Jokes / Recent Jokes

Coincidentally, when the segment aired Congress was in recess.

The American Public was overheard in a nail salon yesterday complaining about its Congress to a friend. Apparently, the Public was “totally fed up” with all of it.
“I’m soooo over this Congress,” said the Public. “Usually, after having the same Congress for a while, I can pick one or two Senators that I can tolerate being seen outside with. But this time I’m like “yecchh!”- the whole thing has got to go. I swear, sometimes I feel like pouring gasoline all over this Congress and tossing a match on it.”
“There’s nothing about this Congress I like anymore. I look at all these disasters and think ‘How the hell could I have voted for THAT?’ You'd think I'd have learned my lesson after my whole 1994 fiasco, but no! This is what I get for listening to all the so-called “experts.” They make you so afraid of being labeled “out of touch,”, “deluded” or “sympathizing with terrorists,” but sure enough, the whole thing becomes embarrassing in no more...

Congress held a hearing yesterday on baseball's steroid problem.

At least Congress can't be accused of hypocrisy on this issue. We know no one in Congress takes performance-enhancing drugs.

Question and answer Clinton jokes
Q: How do you break a Bill Clinton supporter`s finger?
A: Punch him in the nose.

Q: What does Jeffrey Dahmer`s victims and The Clintons` hair styles have in common?
A: They both look like the work of a butcher.

Q: If The Clinton`s were younger, do you think they would have known the Clampents?
A: Possibly, Bill might have made Jethro`s acquaintance in the 6th grade.

Q: Why doesn`t Hillary cut Bill`s hair?
A: He won`t pay her $300.

Q: What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton?
A: His face.

Q: What is the Arkansas state flower?
A: Gennifer.

Q: Know how to solve the Serbian/Bosnian problem in less than 48 hours?
A: Put Janet Reno in charge.

Q: What`s the difference between a Bill Clinton and a carp?
A: One`s a scum sucking bottom feeder and the other`s a fish.

Q: What`s the difference between Hillary Clinton and a more...

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names more...

"Twas the week before Christmas and those sly little elves,
Our congressmen, labored to better themselves.
They cared not a whit what the public might think
"Let them eat cake," some said with a wink.
And putting their thumbs to the tip of their nose,
they waved as they shouted "Anything goes!"
They scoffed at the thought that we might object,
to a tax cut for the wealthy of a posh percent.
They've got prerequisites-franking, per diem, and more --
bargain-priced haircuts and gyms (three or four!)
Paid speaking engagements and meals on the cuff,
celebrity status -- (they've sure got it tough!),
Yet they claim they're in touch with the man on the street,
as John Q. Public struggles to make both ends meet.
If all workers decided what they were due,
they'd be getting those fat paychecks too!
But while we take cutbacks or raises quite small,
and one out of 20 has no job at more...

Congressman Barney Frank has volunteered to spank Wilson.