Congress Jokes / Recent Jokes

What's the difference between the Library of Congress and the House of Representatives?
In the Library of Congress you're not allowed to lick the pages!

If the artist ever wants to move to the United States, he will find plenty of manure in Washington to sculpt every member of Congress.

Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. -Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it will always do it. -Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
Alliance, n.: In international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot separately plunder a third.
-Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Boundary, n.: In political geography, an imaginary line between two nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary rights of another. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
Peace, n.: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting. -Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's more...

Alongside American historical treasures like the Declarationof Independence and the Constitution, you can now find out what 13-year-old SophieMcKenzie from Tampa, Florida did Thursday night. “Munchin’ on Bagel Chips. Guzzlin’Big Gulp. Score!!!"

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Billy Tauzin, the well known former congressman, is resigning as the head of the drug lobby group Pharmaceutical Research and Manufacturers of America. He'll probably be replaced by a lesser known, generic spokesperson who'll do essentially the same thing that he did, but for less money.

This stretches the bounds of what might be called "humor" per se, but it
is certainly entertaining, in a chilling sort of way, so I thought I would
share it...
The incidence of coincidence is so prevalent, that it can not be considered coincidence.
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both their wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Both were shot in the presence of their wives.
The Secretary of each President warned them not to go to the theater and to Dallas, respectively.
Lincoln's Secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were more...