Connecticut Jokes / Recent Jokes

In order for a pickle to officially be considered a pickle, it must bounce. It is illegal to dispose of used razor blades. You may not educate dogs.You can be stopped by the police for biking over 65 miles per hour.In Hartford, Connecticut, it is illegal to kiss your wife on Sunday.It is illegal to discharge a firearm from a public highway. No one may use a white cane, unless they are blind. Cattle branding in the United States did not originate in the West. It began in Connecticut in the mid-nineteenth century, when farmers were required by law to mark all their pigs.It's illegal to clam at night in Connecticut. In Connecticut any dogs with tattoos must be reported to the police.In Connecticut it is illegal to pirouette while crossing the streetDruggists in Connecticut must pay $400.00 each year for a license in order to use alcohol in compounding prescriptions.Atwoodville: A local ordinance prohibits people from playing Scrabble while waiting for a politician to speak.Devon: It is more...

A Nevada fugitive wanted on fraud charges was arrested in Connecticut after he blew his cover by applying for a job... as a police officer. The Connecticut cops discovered the man's fugitive status during a standard background check. He had passed both the written and agility tests before being found out. Police called the man in to headquarters under the guise of getting his fingerprints, and served him with an arrest warrant instead.
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years before, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.

What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut?

The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.

10) You have to explain to most foreigners that you either live close to New York or Boston
9) Having to live next to New York
8) The two most famous people to come out of Connecticut were a con man who ran a freak show and a man who was the primary cause of the Civil War
7) Because you have no point in being there other than during the fall
6) You can either be a pansy and support the Yankees or a masochist and support the Red Sox
5) You get to be associated primarily with New York and New Jersey
4) You get to hear New Yorkers compliment you for the peace and quiet
3) People from other states think you have a ten foot pole shoved up your ass
2) People from other states are usually right
1) It's Connecticut

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting more...

My mother lives outside of Hartford, Connecticut, and one Saturday morning she asked me to drive her to a dental appointment in White Plains, New York. Not because there is a lack of dentists in Connecticut, but because my family is originally from New York and we kept our regular dentist after moving from the state.

However, time was not our ally that morning and we were running late. As with any person who is behind the time, the natural reaction is to step on the gas. So we were zooming down the Merritt Parkway and from the right corner of my eye I noticed a blur on a hill overlooking the road. The blur looked like a grey car with flashing lights on its roof. You get the idea.

About three minutes later, I saw that blur in my rear view mirror. Its lights were flashing and my super-duper hearing could pick up the faint trace of a distant siren. “Ma, we’re going to be pulled over,” I said to my mother.

“Why?” she asked, not aware that I parted more...

Some 40% of female gas station employees in Metro Detroit are women, up from almost none a year ago.
- Detroit News article
Marijuana Issue Sent To A Joint Committee
- Toronto Star headline
Publicize your business absolutely free! Send $6.
- Entrepreneur Magazine ad
Gators To Face Seminoles With Peters Out
- The Tallahassee Bugle
Messiah Climaxes In Chorus Of Hallelujahs
- The Anchorage, Alaska Times
Married Priests In Catholic Church A Long Time Coming
- The New Haven, Connecticut Register
Governor Chiles Offers Rare Opportunity To Goose Hunters
- The Tallahassee Democrat
Would She Climb To The Top Of Mr. Everest Again? Absolutely!
- The Houston Chronicle
Governor's Penis Busy [should be "Pen Is"]
- The New Haven, Connecticut Register
Thanks To President Clinton, Staff Sgt. Fruer Now Has A Son
- The Arkansas Plainsman
Clinton Places Dickey In Gore's Hands
- Bangor Maine News
Starr Aghast more...