Contest Jokes / Recent Jokes
Contest: Beer vs. Pussy
A beer is always wet. A pussy needs encouragement. Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot. A pussy tastes better served hot. Advantage: Pussy.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied. Having an ice cold pussy makes you married. Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones. Pussy does not. Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming pussy, you are not disgusted. Advantage: Pussy
24 beers come in a box. A pussy is a box you can come in. Advantage: Pussy.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer. Advantage: Pussy.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible. Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad. If you come home smelling like pussy - you're dead. Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive. 6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need. Advantage: Pussy
Too much beer and more...
Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasn't happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man, they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and....that night he drowned in his teapee!
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the much better
programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge. They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning
strikes, taking out the electricity.
Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the
contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with.
Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."
"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better."
Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid
display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.
Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did more...
A woman was letting her husband have it with just a touch more venom than usual, saying,' You're an idiot. You have always been an idiot. You'll always be an idiot. If they had an idiot contest, you'd come in second.'
'Why would I come in second?' asked the husband.
'Because you're an idiot!'
DETROIT-With third-quarter salessluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motorsunveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulousprizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will comestandard in all of the company's 1997 cars. "Auto accidents have never been soexciting," said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contestto boost 1997 sales significantly. "When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Ora year's worth of free Mobil gasoline." Though it does not officially beginuntil Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, withfeedback overwhelmingly positive. "As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to myself, 'Oh, boy, this could be it-I could be a big winner!'" more...
Everybody who has a dog names him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine "Sex". Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to city hall to renew his dog licence, I told the clerk I would like a licence for sex. He said "I'd like one too". Then I said "but this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said " you don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said " you must have been quite a kid".
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took my dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said "every room in this place is for sex." I said "you don't understand, Sex keeps me awake all night." The clerk said "me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there looking around. I told more...
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool
The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where upon the head starts coughing and sputtering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my !@#$% ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"