Contest Jokes / Recent Jokes
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.The first has no arms.The second no legs.And the third has no body, just a head.They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my freakin' ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!"
A man is at the gates of heaven, but his life was very borderline good and bad; so St. Peter decides to have a contest. He gives the choice of the man answering a question or asking a question. If the man cannot get the answer he's asked or St. Peter can't answer the question then the man gets into heaven.
The man decides to ask.
He takes a piece of paper, pokes 1000 holes in it, and puts it to his butt and farts. He then asks St. Peter, "Which hole did my fart come out of?"
St. Peter replies, "That's easy; this one," and he points to a hole.
The man smiles and says, "Nope! It came out of this one!" and he points to his ass.
General motors introduces new instant-win airbags detroit–
With third-quarter sales sluggish and its share of the domestic market down 11 percent since 1993, General Motors unveiled a new instant-win airbag contest Monday. The new airbags, which award fabulous prizes upon violent, high-speed impact with another car or stationary object, will come standard in all of the company’s 1997 cars.
“Auto accidents have never been so exciting, ” said GM vice-president of marketing Roger Jenkins, who expects the contest to boost 1997 sales significantly. “When you play the new GM Instant Win Airbag Game, your next fatal collision could mean a trip for two to Super Bowl XXXI in New Orleans. Or a year’s worth of free Mobil gasoline. ”
Though it does not officially begin until Jan. 1, 1997, the airbag promotion is already being tested in select cities, with feedback overwhelmingly positive. “As soon as my car started to skid out of control, I thought to more...
They had a shouting contest recently in Tokyo (the article I read was dated Dec 15). 1st prize: "I will do karate for the rest of my life!"
25-year-old Hiroyuki Sugano was slightly louder than a a car horn from 6 feet.
2nd: "Tomi-baby, let me cut your eyebrows!"
Mamiko Kobayashi, 20-year-old co-ed referring to the bushy-browed prime minister of Japan.
Unique Prize: "Stop smooching on the train! Why don't you people go home!"
Tomoyuki Fukumura, 104. 7-decibel reference to the public kissing trend.
"I want work!"
Yuriko Shimode, comic artist
"It's so cold in winter - buy me a stove!"
Hideki Matsui
"I couldn't sleep this summer because it was so hot and I didn't have an air conditioner!"
Koji Fukuda
"There are couples all through my town at Christmas time! Hey Santa, next time bring me a girlfriend!"
Tsunehiro Miyazaki (Christmas is a time for a glamorous more...
If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood, and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle. He's the only one who knows that harass is one word.
Everybody who has a dog calls him Rover or Boy. I called mine SEX. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like to have one too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had sex since I was 9 years old." He said I must have been quite a kid.
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took Sex with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place was for sex. I said, "You don't understand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked why I was just standing there looking around. I told him I planned to have Sex in the contest. He more...