Contest Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a bar advertising a contest and a man walked in to find out what the contest was for. The bartender said it is for anyone who could make my horse laugh wins fifty dollars. So the man asked where the horse was the bartender said out back in the barn. The man went out to the barn when he returned he told the bartender the horse was laughing the bartender went out and sure enough the horse was. About a month later the same man was passing the bar and they were having another contest and the man wanted to see what it was so he went in. The bartender said the horse had not stopped laughing since he was last there. The new contest was for who could make him stop got 100 dollars. The man went to the barn and came back and told the bartender that the horse was crying and the bartender went to check. When he returned he paid the man and asked how he had done that. The man replied that the first time I told the horse i had a bigger dick than he did, the second time i proved it.

There was a math contest and all of the audience were blondes. The contestant was brunette, but she was still stupid. The host say "
OK, its time for our 1st question. What is 5+2? "
Uhhhhhh....9?"
says the brunette. The audience says,"
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!!!"
"
OK, says the host, What is 3+3? "
Uhhhhhhhhhh...5? says the brunette. The audience says,"
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
"
ok"
, says the host, "
this one is going to be easy. What is 1+1?"
"
Oh, that is easy! 2! says the brunette. Then the audience says, "
GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to combine any two celebrities' overlapping names to create a new one. Some of our favorite entries:

Mr. T.S. Eliot: "I pity the fool, wanderin' around half-deserted streets, walkin' on beaches, talkin' about peaches, mournin' his lost manhood. I pity the fool."

Ponce de Leon Spinks: Boxer who searched in vain for the Fountain of Tooth

Fat Albert Einstein: "Hey{+3}."

Marion Barry Bonds: "The pitch set me up!"

Al Frankenstein's Monster: "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and, gosh darn it, I'm a big fat idiot."

Dean Martin Luther King: "I have a drink!"

Mullah Omartha Stewart: Currently hiding in a tastefully decorated cave.

Auntie Eminem: "Dorothy, git down in the cella/Cuz I ain't no Rockefella/I cain't take no persecutions/From you or them Lilliputians"

Benedict Arnold more...

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore. Finally, one of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed... So the scientist says to God: "God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you."

God nods understandingly and says: " I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What d'ya think?"

The scientist says: "Sure I'm all for it. What kind of contest?"

God: " A man-making contest."

The scientist: "Sure! No problem" The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says: "Okay, more...

Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms, the second no legs, and
the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash"
they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy.
He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts, "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears. Then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me."

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination-Timbuktu.
The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one more...

The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Southeast Alabama A&M.The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:Slowly across the desert sandTrekked the dusty caravan.Men on camels, two by twoDestination-Timbuktu.The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:Tim and me, a-huntin' went.Met three whores in a pop-up tent.They was three, we was two, So I bucked one and Timbuktu.