Cookies Jokes / Recent Jokes
By Barbara Florio Graham
From McCall’s, June, 1983
I read every diet I can get my hands on. I even follow their suggestions. But eventually, inevitably, I always get fat again. Now, at last, I’ve found The Answer. After living for almost 14 years with a man who never gains an ounce no matter what I serve him, I’ve found out what it is that keeps him thin: He thinks differently. The real difference between fat and thin people is that thin people:
avoid eating popcorn in the movies because it gets their hands greasy;
split a large combination pizza with three friends;
think Oreo cookies are for kids;
nibble cashews one at a time;
think that doughnuts are indigestible;
read books they have to hold with both hands;
become so absorbed in a weekend project they forget to have lunch;
fill the candy dish on their desks with paper clips;
counteract the midafternoon slump with a nap instead of a cinnamon Danish;
exchange the more...
Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist, the fourth was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. ”T-square, do your stuff. ”
T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff. ” Spreadsheet went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, “Measure, do your stuff.
“Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the more...
A new contract for Santa has finally been negotiated.
Please read the following carefully.
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies.
However, I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however,
there are a few differences between us...
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and bumper sticker that more...
Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to
movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is
eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish
friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar
so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar,
provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish
Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we
survived, let's eat!!
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks,
or a the collected works of the Rambam which looks more...
Dear Boys and Girls,
Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my
ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain
it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit
about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I
caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew?
I always thought the little bastards were gay!
I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so
simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now
it's electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old
fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on
the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all
the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly
tech support to the north pole?
Don't even get me started on the damn reindeer. "Eight tiny
reindeer" my ass! Too much more...
If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
"Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
- Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949
"I think there is a world market for maybe five computers."
- Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
"I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won't last out the year."
- The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957
"But what... is it good for?"
- Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
"There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
- Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977
"640K ought to be enough for anybody."
- Bill Gates, 1981
"This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of more...