"Christmas vs Chanukah" joke

Christmas is one day, same day every year. December 25.
Jews love Dec. 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to
movies and out for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is
eight days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever
that falls. No one is ever sure. Jews never know until a non-Jewish
friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar
so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same calendar,
provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish
Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel
(especially in Florida).
Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we
survived, let's eat!!
Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos... Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks,
or a the collected works of the Rambam which looks impressive on
the bookshelf.
There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanuka, Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannuka.
Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boy friends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of
that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we
get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, Come o Ye Faithful.
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or about having a
party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased
that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our
tribal brethren. And don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing
them beautifully?
A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell
of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in
festive moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil,
potatoes and onions. The home, as always, is full of loud people
all talking at once.
Christian women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Jewish women
burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions
for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through
the ages.
Parents deliver gifts to their children during Christmas. Jewish
parents have no qualms about withholding a gift any of the eight
nights.
The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story
are Antiochus, Judah, Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can
spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends
anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. **** Funny! - Jews
think, "Joseph, bubela. Snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant,
you didn't sleep with her, and now you want to blame God. Here's
the number of my shrink."
In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
The same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor
holiday. It makes sense. How could we market a major holiday such
as Yom Kippur? Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to
synagogue, starve yourself for 27 hours, become one with your
dehydrated soul, beat your chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed
good time for you and your family. Tickets a mere $200 per person.
OY!!

[Thanks to Maurizio Mariotti who tells us it was "sent by an
American buddy who happens to be Jewish"]