"Bah!!! Humbug!!!" joke

Dear Boys and Girls,

Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my
ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain
it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit
about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I
caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew?
I always thought the little bastards were gay!

I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so
simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now
it's electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old
fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on
the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all
the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly
tech support to the north pole?

Don't even get me started on the damn reindeer. "Eight tiny
reindeer" my ass! Too much hay and carrots. They are so damn fat
I have my doubts they will even get off the ground.

I shouldn't talk. I always go on a diet the day after Christmas.
Too many damn cookies and milk. Of course, now what do the little
kiddies leave me? Low fat milk and fat free cookies! That's all I
get, especially in California with all those damn health nuts. Is
it too much to ask to leave the fat man a good stiff drink to keep
him warm through the night?

Enough about my problems. How have you been? Hope things are
going well for you and yours. Not sure what time I will be flying
over your house but with the FAA and their new freaking rules,
it's going to be a very long night.

Here's wishing you a Merry Christmas and a Very Happy New Year!

Lots of love,
Santa