Cop Jokes / Recent Jokes

Sherlock holmes and dr watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." watson replied, "i see millions and millions of stars." "what does that tell you?" watson pondered for a minute.

“astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, i observe that saturn is in leo. Horologically, i deduce that the time is. approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, i can see that god is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, i suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"holmes was silent for a minute, and then spoke. "it tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

A cop stops a man for running a stop sign and the subject gives the cop a lot of grief explaining that he did stop. After several minutes, the cop explained to the gentleman that he didn't stop, he just slowed down a little. The gentleman said' Stop or slow down, what's the difference?'. The cop pulled the guy out of the car and hit him with a nightstick for about a minute and then said,' Would you like for me to stop or just slow down?'

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?"

The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."

So the farmer promised he would.

Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."

A guy was driving his car at the speed of 80 mph when he saw the flashing red and blue lights. Thinking that the cop might not be able to catch him, he accelerated to 110 mph. He finally came to some sense and pulled over to the side. The cop stepped out, took his license and examined it without a word. He looked at the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pullover. I don't feel like doing anymore paperwork so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"The driver blinked only once while his brain scramble for a reply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop, " he said, " and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!""Off you go," said the officer.

63 Ways To Piss Off A Cop
1. When you get pulled over, say “What’s wrong, ossifer, there’s no blood in my alcohol? ”
2. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
3. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
4. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to……
5. Ask if you can see his gun.
6. When he says you aren’t allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
7. Touch him.
8. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
9. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
10. Refer to him by his first name.
11. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
12. When he says no, cry.
13. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
14. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
15. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
16. When he asks you to more...

Rapper Fifty Cent was arrested for driving dangerously.

Bail was set at his name times one thousand.






PS If he was carrying a gun, would it be called a Fifty Cent piece?

Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked the thoroughly sozzled gentleman.
"Shertainly," said the drunk, "and if you'll jush open the door f' me, I'll prove it to you.
"You shee that piano?" the drunk began. "Thash mine. You shee that television set? Thash mine, too. Follow me, follow me."
The police officer followed as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to.
"Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee that bed? Thash my bed. Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' shee that guy lying next to her?"
"Yeah," said the cop suspiciously.
"Thash me!"