Count Jokes / Recent Jokes

Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?

If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!

Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.

Let's count them upside down this time.
Let's count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!

I'm really ticked, I'm in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I'll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.

I'll count, recount, and count some more.
You'll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I more...

1. Watch the sunset- on a sled.2. Smile more, -it might get you a free beer.3. Complain less. -It might get you a free beer.4. Surprise a friend with a call. - It might get you a free beer.5. Develop your gifts. - You might need them.6. Count your blessings. - You might need these too! 7. Talk to someone in an elevator. - Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer.8. Breathe consciously once in a while. - This cures snoring.9. Enjoy sneezes - and stay behind the one sneezing.10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, - unless you are an actor.11. Be unique, -it demonstrates difference! 12. Sing in the shower. - With a friend! 13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, - or have someone laugh at you.14. Make someone's day, - or night.15. Stand on your head. - For a free beer! 16. Stare at the world above you. - Hopefully not from under a bar.17. Play with an animal. - Be sure it is one which cannot eat you! 18. Slurp Jell-O. -Add Vodka for more...

The Diet BREAKFAST 1/2 grapefruit 1 slice whole wheat toast 8 oz glass skim milkLUNCH 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast 1 cup steamed zucchini 1 Oreo cookieMID-AFTERNOON SNACK rest of the package of Oreo cookies 1 quart Rocky Road ice cream 1 jar hot fudgeDINNER 2 loaves garlic bread 1 large pepperoni & mushroom pizza 1 large pitcher of beer 3 Milky Way candy bars 1 entire cheesecakeDIET TIPS 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories 2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories dont count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purpose have no calories. These include any chocolate used for energy, brandy, cheesecake, and ice cream. 5. Cookie pieces contain no calories, because breakage causes the calories to leak out. 6. If you eat food from someone else's plate, the calories don't count. 7. Movie related snacks are much lower in calories because they are part of the entertainment, and more...

America took an early lead in the Olympic medal count. Unfortunately, Canadian medals are worth 5% less in the states.

After having their 10th child, an Arkansas couple decided that that was enough. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor told the man that he was to go home, get a cherry bomb, put it in a can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Arky said to the doctor "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a can next to my ear is going to help me."

So the couple drove to Missouri to get a second opinion. The doctor was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed they were from Arkansas. This doctor also told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, place it in a tin can, hold it next to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both doctors couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb more...

After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger doublewide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem.

The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in' Bama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me" So, the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Alabama. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, more...

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral Sex does not count.

2. If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex, doesn't count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "Did I shave my legs for this", doesn't count.

7. An old flame, doesn't count.

8. An ex-spouse, doesn't count, refer to this as a "pity fuck".

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation.

11. 2 heterosexual women having fun, not more...