Counting Jokes / Recent Jokes
when all through Palm Beach.
Only lawyers were stirring, the blood sucking leech.
The ballots were held to the light with great care,
In hopes that a dot or a dimple'd be there.
The voters were nestled all snug in their beds,
while nightmares of hanging chads danced in their heads.
And Bush back in Austin, and Gore in DC,
Had just rattled the courts over votes absentee.
When out on the beach there arose such a clatter,
The counters stopped counting to see what's the matter.
Away to the shore lawyers flew like a flash,
The out of state protesters started to clash.
When what to our wondering eyes was bestowed,
But Air Force One and eight interns in tow.
What came off the plane gave us all quite a chill,
We knew in a moment ‘twas our buddy Bill.
More buxom than hookers, his courses they came,
And he whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Bambi, Now Suzie! Now Candy and Tasha!
On Cassie! On Dana! On more...
Is There a Santa Claus? As a result of an overwhelming lack of requests, and with research help fromthat renown scientific journal SPY magazine (January, 1990) - I am pleased topresent the annual scientific inquiry into Santa Claus.1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species ofliving organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insectsand germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santahas ever seen.2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world.BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish andBuddhist cihldren, that reduces the workload to to 15% of the total - 378million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census)rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumesthere's at least one good child in each.3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the differenttime zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels more...
How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a test to
drive a car, but anyone can be a parent? A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
Section One: Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times
this phrase is used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
I don't care what the other kids get to do.
... and this time I really mean it.
Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
Now we're REALLY going to be late.
One... I'm counting... two... I'm counting...
Because I'm the Mommy more...
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of
3. 5 children per household, that's
91. 8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.
3. Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to
822. 6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of more...
Christmas Physics - The Physics of Christmas and Santa ClausAfter many careful hours of painstaking research, I have compiled the most expansive physics experiment ever performed on Santa Claus. I hope you can give me the due credit when you show off your cute article. After all, it is my life, my thesis, my reason for existence on this blessed earth. Well, here is my inquiry into Santa Claus.
1. No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300, 000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.
2. There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn’t (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish, and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to the Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3. 5 children per household, that’s 91. 8 million more...
A young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered a butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what he was going to do about it? He said he'd offer to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." "I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." When the boy arrived home he told his mother.
The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"
Ferne Southern said she was staying with her 8-year-old granddaughter, Brooke, while her parents were out of town.Brooke was delaying bedtime, as usual, so her grandmother told her about counting sheep to fall asleep.The 8-year-old thought that was a good idea. Everything was quiet for a while. But just as grandmother was dozing off, a voice sounded:"Nana?""Yes?""There are 38."