Courtroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.”“It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer.“Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?”“Oh no! This judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice
him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t
even smile at the judge.”Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip
about the cigars. It worked!”“I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.”“But I did send them.”“What?? You did???”
“Yes. That’s how we won the case.”“I don’t understand,” said the lawyer.“It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”

I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman and asked the question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?”Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”

A murder trial was concluding. In his closing, the defense lawyer stated strongly, "Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution has made much of its circumstantial case against my client, but as you all know by now, they have never found the alleged victim. Well, members of the jury, we have done what they have failed to do, proving without a doubt my client's innocence. The person presumed dead is about to walk into this courtroom."

With that, the attorney looked expectantly at the doors at the back of the courtroom. The jurors, stunned, looked at the door eagerly for a minute, but no one entered. Finally, the lawyer stated, "I confess, I made up the previous statement. But I did so to prove a point about reasonable doubt. All of you thought that person would enter the court. How can you find my client guilty when you have such strong guilty that anyone was event killed?"

To the lawyer's shock, the jury only deliberated for ten minutes before more...

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorneyand a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent. Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"Farmer: "That's right."Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, mydog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of wordsto say I've never felt better in my life.

*** Real courtroom transcipts...courtesy of real idiots. ***( Oops! My brain just hit a bad sector. )Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the LUMBAR region.Q. Are you married? A. No, I'm divorced. Q. And what did your husband do before you divorced him? A. A lot of things I didn't know about.Q. Did he pick the dog up by the ears? A. No. Q. What was he doing with the dog's ears? A. Picking them up in the air. Q. Where was the dog at this time? A. Attached to the ears.Q. And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.? What school do you go to? A. Oral. Q. How old are you? A. Oral.Q: Do you drink when you're on duty? A: I don't drink when I'm on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.Q: What can you tell us about he truthfulness and veracity of this defendant? A: Oh, she will tell the truth. She said she'd kill that sonofabitch- and she did! Q: Are you sexually active? A: No, I just lie there.

A small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial -- a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?"She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. The man can't more...

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim? Defendant: No, I did not. Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury? Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a lot better than the penalty for murder.