Courtroom Jokes / Recent Jokes

The big list of fun stuff to do in that boring ol' courtroom of law...
1. Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.
2. Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.
3. Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.
4. If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.
5. Stand up and yell "OBJECTION!" to everything the judge says. EVERYTHING.
6. If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.
7. If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.
8. Sing "The Song That Never Ends" incessantly.
9. Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll "call him."
10. Actually call him.

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no
corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be
convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at
his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute
passed. Nothing happened.
Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with
anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether
anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." The jury, clearly confused,
retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and more...

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.
"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,"
The lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom."
He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly.
A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said,"Actually, I made up the previous statement.
But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and I insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."
The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict more...

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was very strong evidence indicating guilt, but no corpse had been found. In the defenses closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, decided to try a trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom!" He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked, eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally, the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty." With that, the jury retired to deliberate. But after only a few minutes, they came back and pronounced a verdict of guilty. "But more...

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You
think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will
amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real
disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. The man can't more...

The following questions were asked by lawyers while in the courtroom...
Q: What happened then?
A: He said, 'I am going to have to kill you because you can identify me.'
Q: And, did he kill you?
Q: I show you Exhibit 1 and ask if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Q: She had four children, correct?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: Was it you or your brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Do you recall the approximate time you examined the body?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy began at around 8:00 PM.
Q: And Mr. Sunderland was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, asshole, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
Q: Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Q: Now doctor, is it not true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just quietly passes away and doesn't know anything more...

Things people actually said in court, word for word:
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "where am I Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost more...