Crack Jokes / Recent Jokes

Q. Whats the difference between a prostitute and a crack dealer?
A. A prostitute can wash her crack and re-sell it...

A man went to the wine seller's at midnight to buy wine. The wine seller, hearing several knocks at the door, said without opening it: "Just throw in your coppers through the crack in the door." "But," inquired the man, "how are you going to get the wine out?" "Through the crack," was the reply. At that the man laughed. "I'm not joking," said the wine seller," you see, my wine here is quite thin. "

Baby conceived on back seat of car with automatic transmission grow up to be a shiftless bastard. Man who lay girl on hill not on level. He who fishes in another man's well often catches crab. Wife who put man in dog house find him in cat house. Man who farts in church sits alone in pew. Boy who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. Woman who cooks carrots and peas in same pot very unsanitary. Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best thing. Man who marries a girl with no bust has right to feel low down. Man with athletic finger make broad jump. Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts. Seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. Modern house without toilet uncanny. Woman who springs on inner-spring this spring, gets off-spring next spring Nail on board is not good as screw on bench. Short man who dance with tall woman get bust in mouth. Man who lay woman on ground has peace on earth. Man who sleep on railroad tracks wake up with split personality. more...

TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an verage of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid more...

To my dear wife, During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often. We will wake the children....... 17 times It's too late....... 15 times I'm too tired....... 5 times It's too early....... 52 times It's too hot....... 15 times Pretending to be asleep....... 49 times Window open the neighbours will hear....... 9 times Backache....... 2 times Headache....... 16 times Sunburnt....... 10 times Your mother will hear us....... 6 times Not in the mood....... 21 times Will wake the baby....... 17 times Watching the late TV show....... 7 times Too sore....... 9 times New hairdo....... 4 times Wrong time of the month....... 4 times You had to go to the toilet....... 9 timesOn the 36 occasions that I did succeed, the activity was not entirely satisfactory because 6 times you just lay there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 more...

There were three American pilots captured by Germans in WWII. The Germans thought up a way to make the pilots crack and tell what they knew. They made them stand at attention, turn their heads from side to side and say, "Tick - Tock" over and over.

After about three hours, the first pilot cracked and started telling all he knew, signing everything they put in front of
him. An hour later, the second pilot cracked and started confessing to things that he didn't even do.The third pilot was fighting hard not to crack. He was about half-way cracked. He was turning his head to one side only and saying, "Tick...Tick...Tick..." The German officer in charge went up to him and said, "You thinks you iss so schmart! But I'm telling you dot vee haf vays to make you TOCK!"

- 10 -
"I Saw Mommy Marry Larry King"
- 9 -
"Boris the Red-Nosed Yeltsin Had an 86-Proof Nose"
- 8 -
"Im Searching For the Real Killers With Every Round of Golf I Play"
- 7 -
"Oh, Hillary, Oh, Hillary, You're Going to Jail for One-to-Three"
- 6 -
"Influenza, Influenza, Influenza, Influenza"
- 5 -
"O Little Network CBS How Still We See Thee Lie"
- 4 -
"Frosty the Crackhead Had a Crack Pipe Full of Crack"
- 3 -
"I Have an Irregular Heartbeat Pa-Rum-Pum-Pum-Pum"
- 2 -
"O. J. Is Free Although He's Prob'ly Guilty"
- 1 -
"Good King Clinton Dropped His Pants in a Cheap Hotel Room"