Cracker Jokes / Recent Jokes

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
What did the eskimos sing when they got their Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when "!
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!
We had grandma for Christmas dinner!
Really, we had turkey!
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

1. What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians? A licker cabinet. 2. What do you call an Eskimo lesbian? A Klondyke. 3. What do you call 100 lesbians with guns? Militia Etheridge. 4. Why can't lesbians diet and wear make-up at the same time? Because they can't eat Jenny Craig with Mary Kay on their face. 5. Why do lesbians like to be reincarnated as whales? So they can have 10 foot tongues and breathe out of the tops of their heads. 6. What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders. 7. What is a lesbian dinosaur called? A Lickalotapuss. 8. What do you call a lesbian with long fingers? Well Hung. 9. What do two lesbians do when they are having their periods? Fingerpaint. 10. What do lesbians call an open can of tuna? POTPOURRI. 11. What did the lesbian vampire say to her partner? See you next month. 12. Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres drowned? She was found face down in Ricki Lake. 13. How can you tell a tough lesbian bar? Even the pool table doesn't have balls. 14. Do you know more...

Q: What is the difference between a Ritz cracker & a lesbian?
A: One is a snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker.

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No you can have turkey like everyone else!
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!
We had grandma for Christmas dinner?
Really, we had turkey!
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!

Q: What did one Christmas cracker say to the other Christmas cracker?
A: My POP is bigger than yours!

The local bank near a large prison had a problem opening their safe one day. Seems that the mechanisms working the combination failed, so they called the prison to seek help.
The prison had a convicted safe cracker in custody. They released him under guard and took him to the bank to see if he could open their safe.
The convict worked on the lock for quite a while but finally he was able to open the safe.
The bank president was delighted to see his safe opened without having to have it ruined in the process, he turned to the safe cracker and said, "Thanks for helping us out here, how much do we owe you?"
The safe cracker replied, "Well the last time I did one of these jobs I got about $100,000!"

A man was walking down the street, and he notices a blind man with a seeing eye dog. The dog was peeing on the mans leg. The man says "
Sir, your dog is peeing on your leg"
. The blind man replies"
Give me a cracker"
The other man asks why.He says"
I need the cracker so I can find his mouth and kick him in the butt"
!