Christmas Dinner Jokes

I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
for years.

Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the more...

Mother bought a huge turkey for Christmas dinner.
'That must have cost a fortune!' I said.
'Actually I got it for a poultry amount,' she said.
A man went to a butcher's and saw that the turkeys were 90p a pound. He said to the butcher,' Do you raise them yourself?'
'Of course I do,' the butcher replied.' They were only 50p a pound this morning!'
How do you tell the difference between tinned turkey and tinned custard?
Look at the labels!
Did you hear about the stupid turkey?
It was looking forward to Christmas!
Who made this Christmas pudding?
Our chef. He's a little green man who lives in a toadstool.
What did he use to make it?
Elf-raising flour, of course.
Last year's Christmas pudding was so awful I threw it in the ocean.
That's probably why the ocean's full of currants!
I'd like Father Christmas stew.
Er... how do you make Father Christmas stew?
You keep him waiting half an hour!
Is that more...

10. Use slices to balance that wobbly kitchen table.

9. Use instead of sand bags during El Nino.

8. Send to U. S. Air Force, let troops drop them.

7. Use as railroad ties.

6. Use as speed bumps to foil the neighborhood drag racers.

5. Collect ten and use them as bowling pins.

4. Use instead of cement shoes.

3. Save for next summer's garage sale.

2. Use slices in next skeet-shooting competition.

1. Two words: pin cushion.

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?
Deep pan, crisp and even!
What did the grape say to the peanut butter?
"'Tis the season to be jelly!"
What do ducks do before Christmas dinner?
Pull their Christmas quackers!
What do you drain Christmas dinner brussel sprouts with?
An advent colander!
What happens when you eat Christmas tree decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!
What's the most common wine at Christmas?
Do I have to have the brussel sprouts!
Will the Christmas pudding be long?
No, it'll be the traditional round!

What beats his chest and swings from Christmas cake to Christmas cake
Tarzipan!
Mum, Can I have a dog for Christmas?
No, you can have turkey like everyone else!
What did the eskimos sing when they got their Christmas dinner?
"Whalemeat again, don't know where, don't know when "!
What did the big cracker say to the little cracker?
My pop is bigger than yours!
Who is never hungry at Christmas?
The turkey - he's always stuffed!
What bird has wings but cannot fly?
Roast turkey!
Whats the best thing to put into a Christmas cake?
Your teeth!
We had grandma for Christmas dinner!
Really, we had turkey!
Whats happens if you eat the Christmas decorations?
You get tinsel-itus!
What do vampires put on their turkey at Christmas?
Grave-y!