Bits Jokes

Bits of information to help you through the day:
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig!)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour. (Still not over that pig thing!)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling? And, why isn't the pig included here?)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue. (Hmmmmm... )
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did the gov't pay for this research??)
Polar bears are left handed. (I'm sure glad somebody found that out!)
A cockroach will live nine days without it's head, before it starves to death. ( So my ex-husband WAS a cockroach after all!)
The male more...

I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
for years.

Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the more...

Items Needed:

-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallot
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES. (Children: Get help from an adult!) Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber mallot. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake. Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallot! Good fruit bits should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in platic wrap, and give your loved ones the timeless and enduring gift of fruitcake!

A man running a little behind schedule arrives at a picture theatre, goes in to watch the movie that has already started, and as his eyes adjust to the darkness, he is surprised to see a dog sitting beside its master in the row ahead, intently watching the movie. It even seemed to be enjoying the movie: wagging its tail in the happy bits, drooping its ears at the sad bits, and hiding its eyes with its paws at the scary bits. After the movie, the man approaches the dogs owner,"Jeez mate, your dog really seemed to enjoy the movie. I'm amazed!""Yes, I'm amazed also," came the reply. "He hated the book."

Why should I upgrade to Windows 95?
Because of the size of Microsoft, and its influence on the American
economy, it's crucial that all PC users buy Windows 95. If this doesn't
happen, the dollar will fall further against the yen, unemployment will
rise, the deficit will increase, interest rates will skyrocket, the
market will crash, and we'll be plunged into another world war.
Besides, Bill Gates says you should.
What about long filenames?
Ha ha. Can't believe you fell for this one. Sure you can create long
filenames, which are then immediately truncated to an eight character
string, for old times sake. When you go to look for your file, the
operating system matches a random sampling of letters with the
filenames it has stored. Good luck finding your file.
Does Windows 95 offer true multitasking?
Yes. It's called Interactive Multitasking, meaning you can work on
other tasks while waiting for your computer to reboot each time more...