"Hey, Fruitcake!!!" joke

I have a fruitcake which has been in my family for several years. Apparently,
my family saves them for the following year and gives them as a gift to
someone else. That's how the fruitcake that I gave my mother four years ago
finally made its way back into my hands. (Mom gave it to brother, brother
gave it to sister, then sister gave it to me).

Since the fruitcake tradition appears to be unstoppable, this year I've decided
to replace our family's fruitcake with a more durable one which we will cherish
for years.

Items Needed
-------------
4 Oz. Fruit Bits
1 Railroad Tie
Wood Saw
Large Rubber Mallet
Safety Goggles

WEAR YOUR SAFETY GOGGLES.
(Children Get help from an adult!)

Cut a one-foot section from the middle of your railroad tie. The resulting
block of wood should be the size and shape of a loaf of bread.

Then, take some fruit bits and pound them into the block with your rubber
mallet. Spread the colors around, or you might wind up with an ugly fruitcake.
Don't be afraid to throw some elbow grease into that mallet! Good fruit bits
should be much harder than the railroad tie, so you can't break anything.

For best result, you should pre-treat the fruit bits by setting them on top of
your garage for a year (or by microwaving them on HIGH for 30 minutes).

Finally, cover it tightly in plastic wrap, and give your loved ones the time-
less and enduring gift of fruitcake!