Crime Jokes / Recent Jokes
I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
Bored Superman
One sunny afternoon Superman was out flying around. Crime was
slow that
day,
so he decided to go over to Spiderman's house.
"Hey Spidey, let's go get a burger and a beer!".
"No cando, Supe. I've got a problem with my Web-shooter. Can't
fight
crime
tomorrow without it".
So Superman heads over to the Bat Cave to see what's up. "Hey,
Batman!
Let's go get a burger and a beer!"
"Not today, my friend. My BatMobile is down and it must be fixed
today.
Can't
fight crime tomorrow without it".
Disgruntled, Superman takes to the air, cruising around the skies
when
he flies over a penthouse apartment. And what to his SuperVision
does
he see, but none other than WonderWoman, lying on the deck,
spread-
eagle, stark-naked! Superman gets a brilliant idea:
"They've always said I'm faster than a speeding bullet and more...
Great Thinkers of Our Time? Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would liveforever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not liveforever." -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over theworld, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like thatbut not with all those flies and death and stuff." -- Mariah Carey"Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the samereactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discoveredother similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are." -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his more...
Q. What's the biggest crime committed by transvestites?
A. Male fraud.
A wife arriving home from a shopping trip, was horrified to find her
husband in bed with a young lovely thing. Just as she was about to
storm out of the house her husband stopped her with these words.
Before you leave, I want you to hear how all this came about. Driving
along the highway, I saw this young girl looking tired and bedraggled,
so I offered her a lift. She was hungry, so I brought her home and made
a meal from the roast you had forgotten in the refrigerator. She had
only some worn sandals, so I gave her a pair of good shoes you
discarded because they were out of style. She was cold, so I gave her
the sweater I bought you for your birthday - the one you never wore
because the colours didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out, so I
gave her a pair of yours that were perfectly good, but too small for
you now. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and
asked;
"Is there anything else that more...
A group of prisoners were attending their rehabilitation meeting. Their assignment was to each stand up in turn, state their name and admit to the other inmates what crime they had committed.
The first prisoner stood up and said, "My name is Stuart and I'm in for armed robbery."
Everyone gave him approving looks and pats on the back for admitting his wrongdoing.
The next prisoner stood up and said, "My name is Dennis and I'm in for murder."
Again, there was a round of approving looks and pats on the back. This continued around the circle until it was the last inmate's turn.
He stood up and said, "My name is Louie and I'm not saying what I'm in for."
"Come on now, Louie," the group leader said, "in order for you to make any progress, you must disclose what your crime was. Now, tell us what you're in for."
"Ok, ok," Louie said, "I'm in for screwing dogs."
A disgusted look came over the more...