Crime Jokes / Recent Jokes

DID YOU DO THIS AWFUL CRIME? DID YOU DO IT ANYTIME?
I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU TAKE THIS PERSON'S LIFE? DID YOU DO IT WITH A KNIFE?
I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime.
DID YOU LEAVE A POOL OF BLOOD? DID YOU DROP THIS BLOODY GLOVE?
I did not leave a pool of blood. I can not even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime I could not, would not, anytime.
I did not kill Nicole and Ron I did not kill them, Ito-san

Name: _______________ Stage name: ________________ Agent: ______________ Attorney: __________________ Sex: ___male ___female ___formerly male ___formerly female ___both If female, indicate breast implant size: ____ Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___ Please list brand of cell phone: __________________ (If you don't own a cell phone, please explain.) Please check hair color: Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead Please indicate activities you perform while driving: Check all that apply) [ ] Eating [ ] Applying make-up [ ] Talking on the phone [ ] Slapping kids in the back seat [ ] Having sex [ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs [ ] Tanning [X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application) [ ] Watching TV [ ] Reading Variety magazine [ ] Surfing the net via laptop Please indicate how many times a) You expect to shoot at other drivers: _____ b) How more...

Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured by police only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error, he replied, "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

There was something funny about the kidnapping crime scene that Special Agent Frievald couldn't quite place, and the thought stuck with him throughout the rest of the day,
like those tiny little bits of the circumferent skin from the bologna slices on a foot-long Subway Cold Cut Trio that get stuck in between the last two molars on the upper left, on the tongue side where you can't possibly reach them with a toothpick, your fingernails, or even a systematically straightened paper clip, they just sit there and make everything you eat at your next meal taste vaguely like vinegar and mayonnaise, and then somehow -
quietly but miraculously - they disappear by themselves in the middle of the night while you're asleep, just like the visiting Countess appeared to have done

The crime boss and his attorney meet with his accountant. "Where's the $3 million you embezzled from me?" demands the gangster. The accountant is silent. "Where's my $3 million?" the crime boss shouts.
The lawyer explains: "Sir, the man is deaf. Allow me to translate."
Using sign language, the attorney asks the accountant about the money; the message relayed back is that the accountant knows nothing about it.
Furious, the crime boss pulls out a revolver and puts it to the accountant's head, screaming at the lawyer, "Ask him again where my %#*!@#&*# money is!"
"Okay! Okay!" the deaf accountant signs back. "The money's hidden behind the old toolshed in my backyard."
"What did he say?" demands the enraged crime boss.
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger."

Washington:
All lollipops are banned.
A law to reduce crime states: "It is mandatory for a motorist with criminal intentions to stop at the city limits and telephone the chief of police as he is entering the town.
In King County, in Seattle Washington, it is illegal to sit on a man's lap on a metro bus, unless you are married.
New York:
A fine of $25 can be levied for flirting. This old law specifically prohibits men from turning around on any city street and "looking at a woman in that way." A second conviction for a crime of this magnitude calls for the violating male to be forced to wear a "pair of horse-blinders" wherever and whenever he goes outside for a stroll.
Iowa:
Kisses may last for as much as, but no more than, five minutes.
Kentucky:
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground."
It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.

BETTER HOLD ON TO THOSE PANTIES...THEY COULD COME IN HANDY
A repeat offender got a life sentence for a small-time shoplifting caper in Jupiter, Florida. The man stole $49.73 worth of boxer shorts, panties, a sports bra and some cigarette lighters from a Wal-Mart store. His fatal mistake was flashing a knife at a security guard - which turned his petty theft into a felony. Since the man had been released from prison less than three years ago, Florida's repeat offender law required the judge to send him away for life without the possibility of parole.
INSULT TO INJURY
An unemployed sanitation worker in Miami is also facing life in prison - for shooting himself in the privates. In a drunken stupor, the man reached for a pistol he had hidden in his pants. The gun went off, and the bullet struck the man in the... nuggets. At first, he told officers someone else had shot him, but changed his story after paramedics found the shell casing in his underwear. Cops ruled the shooting more...