Crisis Jokes / Recent Jokes
God sends for 3 world leaders and tells them that he is really pissed-off with all the troubles the world gives him and has decided to destroy the planet in 3 days.
Clinton goes back to Washington and tells his people,' I have good news and bad news. The good news is there is a God, the bad news is that we have really goofed up and the world will end in 3 days.'
Jiang Zemin returns to the PRC and tells his nation' I have bad news and worse news. The bad news is there is a God, the worse news is he is going to stop our plan for world domination in 3 days.'
Dr. Mahathir returns to Malaysia with a huge smile and says,' I have good news and better news! The good news is that God thinks I am one of the 3 most vital people in the world. The better news is, the currency crisis will be over in 3 days!
Twas the night before crisis, And all through the house, Not a program was working, Not even a browse. Programmers were wrung out, Too mindless to care, Knowing chances of cutoverHadn't a prayer. The users were nestledAll snug in their beds, While visions of inquiriesDanced in their heads. When out in the lobbyThere arose such a clatter, That I sprang from my tubeTo see what was the matter. And what to my wonderingEyes should appear, But a Super Programmer, Oblivious to fear. More rapid than eagles, His programs they cameAnd he whistled and shoutedAnd called them by name. On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! His eyes were glazed over, His fingers were lean, From weekends and nightsSpent in front of a screen. A wink of his eye, And a twist of his head, Soon gave me to knowI had nothing to dread. He spoke not a word, But went straight to his work, Turning specs into code, Then he turned with a jerk. And laying his fingersUpon the more...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "1 have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can''t solve."
Three months down the track there is a major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".
Thank you for calling the US Army. We're sorry, but all of our units are out at the moment, or otherwise engaged. Please leave a message with your country, name of organization, region, specific crisis and a number where you can be reached.
As soon as we have sorted out the Balkans, Iraq, Korea, China, the Y2K Bug, marching up and down the streets of Washington, D.C. and attending the compulsory Consideration of Others Training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone, or if you require more options, please choose from the following options:
If your crisis is small and is located near the sea, press 1 for the United States Marine Corps.
If your concern is distant, with temperate climate and good hotels, and can be solved by one or two low-risk high-altitude bombing runs, press 2 for the United States Air Force. Please note that this service is not available after 1630 hours, or on weekends. Special consideration will be given more...
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn`t a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of more...
Twas the night before crisis,
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of more...
A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes".