Criteria Jokes / Recent Jokes

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:
"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:
1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).
2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).
3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."
A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair.
"Can I help you?" she says.
"I'm here about your ad in the paper."
"Which ad is that?"
"The one looking for a husband."
She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria..."
"Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms."
"Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria."
"And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... more...

A woman's husband has died. After a few months, she decides she wants a new one. She submits a classified ad as follows:"Widow looking for a new husband. To be considered, you must conform to these three criteria:1 - You can't beat me (as my first husband did).2 - You can't run around on me (as my first husband did).3 - You MUST be good in bed (as my first husband wasn't)."A few days later, the doorbell rings. She opens the door and a man without any arms and or legs is sitting in a wheel chair."Can I help you?" she says."I'm here about your ad in the paper.""Which ad is that?""The one looking for a husband."She says, "Uhm, well, there were certain criteria...""Yes, I know. Obviously, I could never beat you... I have no arms.""Well, yes, I see that... but there were other criteria.""And, as you can see, I could never run around on you... I have no legs.""Well, yes, that's true... but there more...

Any minimum criteria set will be the maximum value used.
Any producing entity is the last to use its own product.
Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way.
Any smoothly functioning technology is indistinguishable from a "rigged" demo.
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday.
Any technology distinguishable from magic is insufficiently advanced.
Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.
Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something.
Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of faults is proportional to the number of viewers.
Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath to the exact center.

Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD)

As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.

A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:

Diagnostic Criteria

(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:

(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet

(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following

(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome

(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in more...

Norway. According to a United Nations study Norway was ranked as the number one place to live in the world. Some of the criteria the UN used included per-capita income, educational levels, health care and number of fjords. The United States was ranked 8th but would have been number one had the criteria included gun ownership and number of meth labs.