Damage Jokes / Recent Jokes

Dihydrogen Monoxide: The Invisible Killer Ban Dihydrogen Monoxide! Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncountedthousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused byaccidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxidedo not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severetissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweatingand urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and bodyelectrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMOwithdrawl means certain death.Dihydrogen monoxide:1. is also know as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain2. contributes to the "greenhouse effect"3. may cause severe burns4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer more...

A mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of his (also a mute).
In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. The friend replied (vocally!), "Oh, you can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now!"
Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. It seems that he had gone to a specialist, who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon.
After an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no reason why he couldn't be helped as well.
"Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's have the first treatment right now!"
"Very well," replies the specialist.
"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the more...

[Note - a few years old, and a search didn't reveal either a copyright or an
attribution. Earliest claim I could find was dated Aug 1993 by
[email protected] - ed]
AD&D Monster Manual IV
Barney
CLIMATE/TERRAIN: Nine Hells, Gehenna, Hades, The Abyss, PBS
FREQUENCY: Very rare or daily at 4 pm
ORGANIZATION: Solitary
ACTIVITY CYCLE: Day
DIET: Little children's minds
INTELLIGENCE: Insipid (-12)
TREASURE: Merchandising contracts
ALIGNMENT: Purple evil
NO. APPEARING: 1 (may be attended by 1-100 Barney zombies, see below)
ARMOR CLASS: 10 (big and plush)
MOVEMENT: 3
HIT DICE: 8
THAC0: 12
NO. OF ATTACKS: 2
DAMAGE/ATTACK: 1-10 (x2)
SPECIAL ATTACKS: Hug (damage 3-30)
SPECIAL DEFENSES: Aura of intolerable idiocy
MAGIC RESISTANCE: 90%
SIZE: L (8' tall)
MORALE: Stupid (30)
XP VALUE: 4,000
Barney is a demon from the lower planes, a great purple and plush deformed
dinosaur. It is the more...

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every
year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen
monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms
of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling,
nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawl
means certain death.
Dihydrogen monoxide:
1. is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain
2. contibutes to the "greenhouse effect"
3. may cause severe burns
4. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape
5. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals
6. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile breaks
7. has been found in excised tumors of terminal more...

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been fired from his job.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It doesn't matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked them out.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When more...

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there.

Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means certain death.

Dihydrogen monoxide: is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain. contributes to the "greenhouse effect." may cause severe burns. contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape. accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals. may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes. has been found in excised tumors of terminal cancer patients.

CONTAMINATION IS REACHING more...

BAN DIHYDROGEN MONOXIDE! THE INVISIBLE KILLER

Dihydrogen monoxide is colorless, odorless, tasteless, and kills uncounted thousands of people every year. Most of these deaths are caused by accidental inhalation of DHMO, but the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide do not end there. Prolonged exposure to its solid form causes severe tissue damage. Symptoms of DHMO ingestion can include excessive sweating and urination, and possibly a bloated feeling, nausea, vomiting and body electrolyte imbalance. For those who have become dependent, DHMO withdrawal means death.

Dihydrogen monoxide:

* is also known as hydric acid, and is the major component of acid rain.

* contributes to the "greenhouse effect."

* may cause severe burns.

* contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

* accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals.

* may cause electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of more...