Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

Bank Teller This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."
To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation.
They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir.. . ," the manager said, ".. . and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have good mind to scrap the whole works
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
Just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money
And the kids these days - they all are the pits
They want the impossible... Those mean little shits
I've spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls... Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo's - No request for them
They want computers and robots... they more...

One day an older fella was in for a checkup. After his examination, his doctor was amazed. "Holy cow! Mr. Edwards, I must say that you are in the greatest shape of any 64 year old I have ever examined!"

"Did I say I was 64?"

"Well, no, did I read your chart wrong?"

"Damn straight you did! I'm 85!"

"85!! Unbelievable! You would be in great shape if you were 25! How old was your father when he died?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"You mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 106 and going strong!"

"My Lord! What a healthy family you must come from! How long did your grandfather live?"

"Did I say he was dead?"

"No! You can't mean..."

"Damn straight! He's 126, and getting married next week!"

"126! Truly amazing, Mr. Edwards. But gee, I wouldn't think a more...

Chinese SubtitlesFrom a list of English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong, Compiledby Stefan Hammond and Mike Wilkins for their book *Sex & Zen & a Bullet inthe Head*, to be published in August by Fireside. Cited in Harper's, June1996.I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.Gun wounds again? Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken! Take my advice, or I'll spank you without pants.Who gave you the nerve to get killed here? Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out! You daring lousy guy.Beat him out of recognizable shape! I have been scared shitless too much lately.I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair! Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.How can you use my intestines as a gift? The bullets inside are very hot. Why more...

The young dude in the Old West wanted to be the fastest gunfighter alive.
Sitting in a saloon one night, he spotted an old graybeard who had the reputation of having been the greatest gunslinger of his day. The kid went up to the old man and told him of his dream. The ancient legend looked him up and down and said, "I got a suggestion that's sure to help."
"Tell me, Tell me!" said the young dude.
"Tie the bottom of your holster lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha," said the old man.
The kid did as he was told, drew his gun, and neatly shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped! Got any more suggestions?"
"Yeah - If'n you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun'll slide out a lot smoother."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"
"You damn betcha."
The dude did more...

A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

You must be surprised that I’m writing you today, the 26th of December. Well, I would very much like to clear up certain things that have occurred since the beginning of the month! While filled with illusion I wrote you a letter and I asked for a bicycle, an electric train set, a pair of rollerblades, and a football uniform. I destroyed my brain studying the whole year!
Not only was I the first in my class, but I had the best grades in the whole school. I’m not going to lie to you, Santa, there was no one in my entire neighborhood that behaved better than me. With my parents, my brothers, my friends and with my neighbors, I would go on errands and even help the elderly cross the street.
There was virtually nothing I wouldn’t do for humanity!
WHAT BALLS YOU HAVE LEAVING ME A FUCKING YO-YO, A STUPID ASS WHISTLE, AND A PAIR OF SOCKS! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING, YOU FAT SON OF A BITCH? YOU’VE TAKEN ME FOR A SUCKER THE WHOLE FUCKING YEAR, TO COME OUT WITH SOME more...