Damn Jokes / Recent Jokes

There was a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all running from the cops. They find a barber shop, run in, and ask "got any places to hide?" he answers, "i dunno, you can check if you want" The brunette hides in a box, the redhead in a closet, and the blonde in a potato sack. A few minutes later a policeman walks into the shop. He goes to the barber and asks "did you see 3 strange women walk through here?" and he replies "i dunno, but you can check. He walks over to the box, kicks it, and hears "WOOF WOOF!" and he replies "damn dog!" goes to the closet, kicks it..."MEOW MEOW!"..."damn cat". He by then walks to the potato sack, kicks it, and hears, "POTATO!!!"

Dear Boys and Girls,
Well, it's that time of year again and once again I am busting my ass to get everything done in time for my big night. What a pain it has been. Shortages from Japan, elves who don't know shit about electronic toys, a sleigh that is falling apart and then I caught the Missus fooling around with one of the elves. Who knew? I always thought the little bastards were gay!
I really am getting too old for this shit. It used to be so simple... wooden toys and dolls that didn't do anything, but now it's electronic gizmos up the ass, and what the hell does an old fart like me know about computers? I put my naughty/nice list on the computer a few years ago and the damn thing crashed. Lost all the nice kids. Do you have any idea how expensive it is to fly tech support to the north pole?
Don't even get me started on the damn reindeer. "Eight tiny reindeer" my ass! Too much hay and carrots. They are so damn fat I have my doubts they will even get off more...

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:
1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.
2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.
3. Gun wounds again?
4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.
5. A normal person wouldn't steal pituitaries.
6. Damn, I'll burn you into a BBQ chicken!
7. How can you use my intestines as a gift?
8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?
9. Quiet or I'll blow your throat up.
10. You always use violence. I should've ordered glutinous rice chicken.
11. I'll fire aimlessly if you don't come out!
12. You daring lousy guy.
13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!
14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.
15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg's hair!
16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.
17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

And finally...
18. Take my advice, more...

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I more...

Barry and Thomas found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in town shut down. But their boss said they could go to the LSU office, you know, the Louisiana State Unemployment office.

So as Thomas waited, Barry sat down at the desk and was interviewed by the woman at the desk.

"And what was your former occupation?" she asked.

"Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialised in ladies' underpants." Barry proudly replied.

So the lady looks it up in her big book and say, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week."

"Hot damn, you mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I can get $50 a week. Man, that even beats crawfishin'!" Barry shouted.

Then Thomas sat down and the lady asked him the same question. Thomas looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was a diesel fitter."

She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $100 a more...

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account"

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"

"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."

"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!"

The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"

"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

Twas the night before Christmas, Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year
instead of "Thanks Santa", what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night. ..
The elves want more money, the reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids,
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
the assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes- if that ain't damn funny,
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus money?
And the kids these days, they are all the pits.
They want the impossible, those mean little shits.
I spent the whole year making wagons and sleds,
assembling dolls... their arms, legs and heads.
I made a ton of yo-yo's no request for more...