Dark Jokes / Recent Jokes
Tips to help you prepare for your new house mate...1. Take cold chicken and stars soup straight from the can and splash it across the carpet and the foot of the bed and then walk in it in the dark with your socks on.2. Set up a mouse trap at the foot of the bed each night so that if you move a toe one inch while you are sleeping, you are sure to get snapped.3. Cover all your best suits with cat hair. Dark suits must use white hair, and light suits must use dark hair. Also, float some hair in your first cup of coffee in the morning.4. Put everything cat-toy sized into a water bowl to marinate.5. Practice cutting your chicken into teeny tiny bites so that when they steal, it won't be the whole breast.6. Tip over a basket of clean laundry, and scatter clothing all over the floor.7. Leave your underwear on the living room floor, because that's where the cat will drag it anyway (especially when you have company).8. Jump out of your chair shortly before the end of your favorite TV program more...
Jimmy was a very smart boy, and he enjoyed church very much, but when
the choir began singing "Gladly the Cross I'd Bear," he didn't
concentrate on singing the song as he should have; instead, he wondered
why Gladly didn't go to an ophthalmologist and why they were singing a
song in church about a woodland animal with an eye problem anyway. (By
Timothy House)
"Mike, I've got a strange tale. Heard it from a Klingon last night, and
I thought the folks might appreciate it."
"It has to do with those two famous characters, Anakin and Luke
Skywalker. The tale concerns that time when Anakin was going by the name
of Vader, specifically the light saber battle they fought in the cloud
city. The depiction of that fight in the Lucas film was fairly accurate,
but it left out a few details."
"It seems that, during the course of the fracas, more words were
exchanged while the two of them were more...
My most memorable one was, after being lightly smacked on the butt and asking, "What was that for?" "Nothing. DO something and see what you get." I once got smacked and when I asked, "What was that for?" my mom replied, That's for all the things I never found out about." If you fall out of that tree and break your leg, don't come running to me! Variation: Cut your legs off in that lawnmower, don't you come running to me! If you poke your eye out with that thing, don't come looking for me! You always find things in the last place you look. Keep doing that with your face and it'll stay that way. This hurts me more than it hurts you. Variation: (speaking in time with the spanking) This(spank) hurts(spank) me(spank) more(spank)..... I want you to go find something for me to spank you with. Mother to my Father: "He's got my looks and your brains!" "He's your son!"I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate. What were you thinking more...
Yo mama so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Santa is talking to Banta about married life.
"You know," he says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there`s always that doubt."
Banta says, "Yeah, I know what you mean."
A couple of weeks later Santa has to go out of town on a business tour. Before he goes, he gets together with Banta.
"While I`m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there`s always that doubt."
Banta agrees to help out, and Santa leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets Banta, "So did anything happen?"
"I have some bad news for you," says Banta.
"The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get more...
The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through thebrush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks theass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says,"Hey! Cut it out, alright!"The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turnsaround and cuffs the rear tiger and says,"I said stop it!" The rear tiger says, "sorry," and they continue.After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger, "What is it with you, anyway?"The rear tiger replies, "Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to getthe taste out of my mouth!"