Darling Jokes / Recent Jokes

A murderer, imprisoned for life, broke free after 15 years and was on the run. He broke into a house and tied up the young couple he found in the bedroom; the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife to the bed. The helpless husband watched him get on the bed, straddle his wife and start to nuzzle her neck. His wife started to move her head violently, at which the man got up and left the room. The husband squirmed the chair across the room to his young wife and hissed, "Darling, I saw him kissing you. He probably hasn't seen a woman in years. Please cooperate. If he wants to have sex, just go along with it and even pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives may depend on it!" "Darling," the wife said, spitting out her gag. "I'm so relieved you feel that way. He wasn't kissing me, he was whispering to me. He told me he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom."

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls. The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife. "Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

A devoted Christian gentleman who attended Sunday church came home to his wife with two black eyes. while examining his horrible looking eyes with great sorrow she asked "what happened." In response to his wifes question the husband said "look darling I tried to do a good deed at the church but this is how I was thanked for it." Feeling ever so sorry and curious the wife asked him again about what had happened at the church.
"Darling, there was this beautiful young girl sitting in front of me in church and we all stood up to say our prayers then, I noticed her skirt was tucked in between her butt cheeks. I immediately reached over, pulled it out and helped her. To my surprise she turned around all angry and hit me in the right eye. I don't understand but thats how I got the black eye."
She couldn't believe her ears and getting little angry at her husband herself she asked "then what happened to the left eye?" "I tucked it back more...

A man and his wife were at the breakfast table when he suddenly remembered that it was their 50th Anniversary." Guess what, darling," he said, "Fifty years ago today you and I were wed." "And we ate our first honeymoon breakfast at this very table," she said." We were naked as jaybirds, remember?" he blushed. "Oh yes," she giggled,' Why don't we take off our clothes right now?" "All right." They stripped to the buff and stared at one another across the table." Oooh, darling," she said, "My nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." "No wonder," he said, "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"

Dec 25
My dearest darling Edward,
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear-tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
EmilyDec. 26
Beloved Edward,
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the pear-tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
EmilyDec. 27
My darling Edward,
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever thought of sending anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France? It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some. Anyway, thank-you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted,
EmilyDec. 28
Dearest Edward,
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down more...

Dear Darling Son and That Person You Married,Merry Christmas to you, and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your ailing mother. I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren. God knows their mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies. Thank you so much for the Christmas flowers, dear boy. I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave. Which reminds me -- we buried Grandma last week. I know she died years ago, but I got to yearning for a good funeral so Aunt Viola and I dug her up and had the services all over again. I would have invited you, but I know that woman you live with would have never let you come. I bet she's never even watched that videotape of my haemorrhoid surgery, has she? Well son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now. I lost my cane beating more...

A Jewish woman called Mount Sinai Hospital and said, "Hello, darling, I'd like to talk with the person who gives the information regarding your patients. I want to know if the patient is getting better, or doing like expected, or is getting worse."
The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the name of the patient and the room number?"
The woman replied, "She's Sadie Rosenberg, in room 412."
The voice answered, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Rosenberg is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back as normal, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Goldbloom is going to send her home on Monday."
The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! that's fantastic, darling! Thank you for such wonderful news!"
The voice on the phone said, ""From your enthusiasm, I take it you must more...