Dating Jokes / Recent Jokes

After only being married for six months, the unhappy wife made an
appointment with a divorce lawyer. "We met through a computer dating
service," she said between sobs. "For the life of me, I'll never
understand what that machine saw in him."

The party of the first part (herein referred to as "she"), being of sound mind and pretty good body, agrees to the following with the party of the second part (herein referred to as "him"):
1. FULL DISCLOSURE: At the commencement of said relationship (colloquially referred to as the "first date"), each party agrees to fully disclose any current girl/boyfriends, dependent children, bizarre religious beliefs, phobias, fears, social diseases, strange political affiliations, or currently active relationships with anyone else that have not yet been terminated.
Further, each party agrees to make known any deep-seated complexes and/or fanatical obsessions with pets, careers, and/or organized sports. Failure to make these disclosures will result in the immediate termination of said relationship before it has a chance to get anywhere.
2. INDEMNIFICATION OF FRIENDS: Both parties agree to hold the person who arranged the liaison (colloquially referred more...

I'm trying to get my girlfriend into foursomes, so I put a mirror in our bedroom.

I’ve noticed that when it comes to relationships, if you want them to have longevity it’s all about compatibility. I didn’t realize until I started dating what’s her name.

If you meet a woman, and you like her, then she...
has a jealous boyfriend 6'4" 280 pounds
is a confirmed lesbian
only wants to be friends
doesn't notice you're even alive
About who tries to pick you up; if you're:
heterosexual, then homosexuals will try
homosexual, then heterosexuals will try
bi-sexual, then, no one will try
with someone special, everyone will try
About finding love; if you:
hope you found it, you'll be disappointed
think you found it, you're wrong
believe you found it, you're misinformed
have found it, you won't know until too late
About winning/losing; if you:
don't have anything to lose, you won't win
have something to lose, you'll lose it
do win, it's only so you can lose more later
If she appears to be having a good time, it's because:
she's fanaticizing, and not of you, either
she's been eyeing-up someone else
she's trying to make someone jealous
About dating, if more...

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.
Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:
You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers more...

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering a package, because you"re sure not picking anything up.
Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.
Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten more...