David Jokes / Recent Jokes

David Ortiz says players who test positive for steroids should be suspended from baseball for the whole season. Ortiz is confident saying that, since his drug of choice is gravy.

"I have sinned," said Adam originally.
"Have an apple," the serpent said fruitfully.
"Come here, Abel," Cain said brotherly.
"You snails almost didn't make it," Noah said wetly.
"No spika de Inglish," they babbled at Babel confusedly.
"Nonsense, I'll look behind me all I please," replied Lot's wife saltily.
"Here's your pottage," Jacob said hairily.
"My thigh is out of joint," Jacob said angelically.
"I was the sun and you were the stars," Joseph said dreamily.
"Hey, Fellas, look at my new coat," Joseph said colorfully.
"I feel like traveling on, Madame Potiphar," Joseph said coatlessly.
"Now we can open grain storage area #1," Joseph said leanly.
"See how the reeds made him in just certain spots," Pharaoh's daughter said mosaically.
"Tomorrow, we'll cross the Red Sea," Moses said more...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.
After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did more...

The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 2115. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies more...

Stu, the company playboy, had a date with an attractive young woman. The following morning, David asked him how things had gone.
"Not too well," Stu replied. "She has a very limited vocabulary."
"What do you mean?" asked David.
"She uses too many four-letter words for me," Stu said.
"Really?" David replied.
"Really!" Stu groaned. "All evening long, all she kept saying was 'don't' and 'stop' and 'quit that'."

Answers Given By Students To Test Questions On The Bible: The first book of the Bible is Guinessis. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father. (I used this one alot when I was a kid... wait... I still do!)The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery. (Used by Bill Clinton... Monica who?)Moses died before he ever reached the UK. (Lucky for him that is.)Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol. (What... they launch their Depends at' em?)The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still, and he obeyed him. David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. King David fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the Biblical times. (and still alive and residing in Hackensack, N. J.)Solomon had 300 more...

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.

After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

8. David slew more...