David Jokes / Recent Jokes
The collector asked& David for his rail ticket.& David searched his pockets but could not find it. `Never mind,` reassured the collector, ` I will take your word that you bought your ticket.` `That is very kind of you,` replied David, `but if I don`t find it, I want to know where to get off.`
When asked what record he was going to try to break on Oprah, David Blaine replied "I'm going to hold my breath." Coincidentally, this is exactly the opposite of what people should do while waiting for his career to become interesting again.
A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. Written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance: A dog, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, a Star of David. They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their Society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, "This looks like a dog. We can judge that this was a highly intelligent race as they knew how to have animals for companionship. To prove this statement you can see that the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were even smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of more...
POLITICIAN - A person who divides all available time between running for office and running for cover.
From: Lela Lowe - [email protected]
Jay Leno: "This is a rough election year.... Huffington's illegal nanny has started running negative ads against Feinstein's illegal nanny"
("Tonight," NBC, 11/4).
David Letterman: "Big election on Tuesday and that means just about now Ted Kennedy should be auditioning strippers for the victory party."
("Late Show," CBS, 11/4).
David Letterman, on the "ugly" campaign: "You look at some of these races around the country and you think it's just a damn shame somebody has to win."
Letterman: "President Clinton is the only president we've ever had who when someone holds up a baby, he doesn't know whether to kiss it or deny knowing the mother"
("Late Show," CBS, 11/7).
Jay Leno, on Huffington calling Sens. Barbara Boxer and Dianne more...
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he
could hardly speak. After mass he asked the
monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka
next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I
take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignors advice. At
the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and
took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after mass, he found
the following note on the door:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not
referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he more...
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married? A. RuthlessQ. What do they call pastors in Germany? A. German Shepherds. Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible? A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation. Q. What was the greatest female financier in the Bible? A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet. Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible? A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord. Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible? A. Samson. He brought the house down. Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden? A. Your mother ate us out of house and home. Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible? A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once. Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy? A. The area more...
The warning
David, a senior citizen, was driving down the M25 towards Edgware, when his mobile phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife`s voice urgently warning him, "David, I just heard on the news that there`s a car going the wrong way down the M25. So please be careful!"
"Hell," said David, "It`s not just one...there are dozens of them!"