David Jokes / Recent Jokes

Ancient History Explained...A team of archaeologists found a slab of rock with 5 figures carved on it, in order:A Woman, A Donkey, A Shovel, A Fish, A Star of David. After months of study, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were thousands of years old but even so, they revealed a lot about the people of that time.The woman being placed first in the line of figures showed that women were held in very high esteem - most likely a family oriented culture.They probably used the donkey to till the fields.The shovel shows they were highly intelligent as they knew how to make tools.The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea.The Star of David of course indicates they were a very religious group of people.A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker.When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions but you were reading it left to right. In Hebrew we read from more...

David purchased a new computer and ran into difficulties setting it up, so he called the customer support phone number listed in the manual.
He explained the problem to the customer support guy who immediately began to rattle off computer jargon, which only added to David's confusion.
"Excuse me, sir," David said, politely, "but could you explain what I should do as if I were a small child?"
"Sure, no problem," replied the customer support guy. "Young man, could you please put your mommy or daddy on the phone?"

David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary.Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives, were to say the least, rude.David tried hard to improve the parrot's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example...Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just became more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David shoved the parrot into the freezer.For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream - then suddenly, there was quiet. Not a sound for half a minute.David became frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I do believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior. I more...

David: My wife beats me, doctor.
Doctor: Oh dear. How often?
David: Every time we play Scrabble!

David: My wife beats me, doctor.Doctor: Oh dear. How often? David: Every time we play Scrabble!

Voice 1: Gee, Dave, what do you feel like doing tonight?
Voice 2: Same thing we do every night, Rob... Try to take over
the world! (Sing:)
They're David and the Rob,
Yes, David and the Rob,
One is a drummer, the other needs a job.
They're not at home right now, so please don't have a cow,
Leave a message -- for David and the Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob, Rob.

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous I take a sip." So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass he found the following note on his door:
1) Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "the late J. C."
7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as "Daddy, Junior, and Spook."
8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
9) When more...