David Jokes / Recent Jokes
The choir had just come out of rehearsal. "Am I to assume that you do a lot of singing at home?" Mr. Harris asked a fellow choir member, David Grey. "Yes, I sing a lot. I use my voice just to kill time," said David. Mr. Harris nodded, "You certainly have a fine weapon."
A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"
"Ten," she replied.
"What are their names?" he asked.
"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.
"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."
"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"
"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.
"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"
A new priest at his frist mass was so nervous he could heardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So the next Sunday the priest took the monsignors advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office he found the following note on the door. 1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp. 2. There are 10 commandments, not 12. 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated. 5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not get his ass. 6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the boys. 7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook. 8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the crap out of him. 9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off more...
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass, that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the monsignor how he could relax.
The Monsignor said "next Sunday it may help you if you put some vodka in the water picture and after a few sips everything will go smoothly."
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into action and was able to talk up a storm! He felt great! However, upon returning to the rectory he found a note from the Monsignor:
1. Next time sip rather than gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
5. The recommended grace before a meal is not Rub-a-Dub -Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God!"
6. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the s**t out of him.
7. Do not refer to our Savior Jesus and the Apostles, as "J. C. and more...
The Top 16 Biblical Ways To Acquire A Wife16. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - Deuteronomy 2115. Find a prostitute and marry her. - Hosea (Hosea 1)14. Find a woman with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock.. - Moses (Exodus 2)13. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. - Boaz (Ruth 4)12. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21)11. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. - Adam (Genesis 2)10. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. - Jacob (Genesis 29)9. Cut off 50 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies more...
What’s the difference between David Beckham and an airplane model kit?
One’s a glueless kit and the other’s a clueless git!
Q: What's the difference between Bill Clinton and David Koresh?
A: Some people still believe in David Koresh.