David Jokes / Recent Jokes

From "Late Show with David Letterman" on Tuesday, August 9, 199410. It's hosted by Ed McMahon. 9. "Amplifiers" are just enormous dixie cups. 8. Every song contains a plug for Green Giant frozen vegetables. 7. You're asked to put on a hat and sunglasses and the next thing you know, you're being introduced as Bob Dylan. 6. One word: polkas. 5. Guy sitting next to you brought a glove and has caught three foul balls. 4. "Santana" turns out to be a jolly bearded guy with a sackful of presents. 3. They're playing "May we turn the hose on you, please?" [All night Dave sprayed the crowd which gathers outside for each night's show with a hose.]2. You spot Rush Limbaugh stage-diving. 1. The crowd is chanting, "Tito! Tito! Tito!"

David Ortiz is headed to the 15-day disabled list. His new nickname will be Snap, Crackle, and Big Papi.

On the "Late Show," David Letterman talks about John McCain suspending his campaign in order to solve the economic problem. It's the bailout keeping him away.

David, the fisherman, had driven by the lake many times and had seen some other anglers about, so he decided to give his luck a try. On his first day of fishing he had no luck at all but noticed that another fisherman near him that was scooping in one after another. He had to know The Secret. "Excuse me sir, but would you mind telling me what sort of bait you are using?" he asked. The other man looked around a bit embarrassed. "Well, I am a surgeon, and quite by accident I found that human tonsil works very well." David thanked the man, thought about what sort of bait to try next time, and left. The next day, David returned to the lake, tried a different bait and still had no luck. Just as the day before, there was yet a different man reeling in fish after fish. "Excuse me," asked David, "but could you suggest a bait that I could try?" "Well, I can, but I am not sure it will do you any good. I am using a bit of human appendix." more...

David filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car. He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn't find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.Sure enough, he hadn't been searching long when he found a gas cap. He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click."Great," David thought, "I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits.And this one's even better because it locks. .."

Some bloopers of biblical proportions written by Sunday School students of both the Christian and Jewish persuasion:

In the first book of the bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.

Adam & Eve were created from an apple tree.

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

Noah built the ark, which the animals came on in pears.

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.

Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.

Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert.

Afterward, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get more...

This month's internal news letter continues the tradition of including exerpts from student exams and papers. This month: history.
Pharoah forced the Herbrew slaves to make bread without straw
Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleaven bread, which is bread without any ingredients.
Afterwards Moses went up to Mt Cyanide to get the ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
David was a Hebrew King skilled at playing the liar. He fought the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
The government of England was a limited mockery.
From the womb of Henry VIII protestantism was born. He found walking difficult as he had an abbess (sic) on his knee.