Day Jokes / Recent Jokes

Jerks by Patrick Hanifin (Reproduced without permission from the Humor Archives)
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had to make. I found
the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly
the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying there on my desk. I decided
to call it again. When the same person once more answered, I yelled "You're a jerk!" and hung
up.
Next to his phone number I wrote the word "Jerk," and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of
weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and then
I'd more...

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for more...

Captain Bravo

Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a look-out spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed,' 'Bring me my Red Shirt.'' The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt and whilst wearing the bright red frock he led his men into battle and defeated the pirates.

Later on that day, the look-out spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again called for his red shirt and once again, though the fighting was fierce, he was victorious over the two ships. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumphs and one of the them asked the captain,' 'Sir, why do you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied,' 'If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood and thus, you men will continue to fight, unafraid.''

All of the men sat in more...

Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he looks over through the streams of traffic and he sees his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge looking down.

It's pretty apparent that she's just about to throw herself off the bridge into the water far below. Bruce slammed on the brakes and his car screeches to a halt. he bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell do you think you're doin babe'?"

Sheila turned around with tears welling up in her eyes and says, "Bruce, honey! You got me pregnant and and I don't want to be a burden so now I'm just gonna kill myself!"

Bruce got a lump in his throat and climbs back into his car when he heard this and says to her, "Sheila, not only are you a great screw, but you're a good sport about it too!"

Girls, allegedly so timorous and lacking in confidence, now outnumber boys in student government, in honor societies, on school newspapers, and even in debating clubs.
- Christina Hoff Sommers, The War Against Boys
***
"Women should be obscene and not heard."
- Groucho Marx
***
A woman phoned the dry cleaners saying that the designer label was missing from her dress's neckband. Assuring her that they would look for it, the owner spent the whole afternoon searching the shop. Finally, he found the label in a trash bin. He cleaned and pressed it, and dropped it off at the customer's home. "Oh, thank you," she gushed. "I'm having a garage sale tomorrow and I can always charge a few dollars more for a dress with a label on it."
***
"Anheuser-Busch announced they are coming out with low-carb beer called "Ultra" which is aimed at the diet-conscious beer drinker. Diet-conscious beer drinker... aren't those more...

There were these two 95-year-old men sitting at the senior center one day when the one states, "I have to get right home!"

"What's your hurry?" asks the other.

"Me and the wife are having sex again today."

"Again? How often do you have sex?"

"Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is - Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried off.

As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in. "Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind the counter.

"Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread."

"I'll take it all," the old man blurts out.

The lady was surprised and says, "All of it? It will get hard."

The old man replies, "Why does everyone know about this but me?!"

One day a little boy approched his teacher and asked " miss mama hujja karala ennatha" and this clever teacher handled the situation very carefully and told the boy that its not a good language. and turned to other small kids in her classroom and said" Puthala Duwala kiyanna honda wachanayak, me Putha kiyaapu wachane wenuwata"
For that there were several responses from several little kids and the last one kid said " Mama sinduwak kiyannatha" Teacher answered "anna eka hondai putha. Puthala Duwala meeta passe magen ahanna sinduwak kiyala ennatha kiyala" and the matter was solved.
One day one little kid in that class who used to sleep on the bed with the parents on the sides wanted to urinate and woke up his father and wispered "mama sinduwak kiyannatha"
For that father got so annoyed " pissutha lamayo than keeyada welawa me welawe sindu kiyanne naha"
After ten miniutes the kids got unbearable and woke up more...