Decision Jokes / Recent Jokes

God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision...I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that Windows95, among other things. I believe I'll do something I've never done before...
I'll let YOU decide where you want to go.
Bill pushed up his glasses, looked at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'll do better than that. I'll let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you want to visit first...Heaven or Hell?"
Bill said, "I think I'll try Hell first."
So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill Gates went to Hell.
When he materialized in Hell, Bill looked around. It was a beautiful and clean place...a bit warm...with sandy beaches and tall more...

WOMEN’S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry. = You’ll be sorry.
We need... = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You’ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don’t want you to.
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron! You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains =. .. and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like.
I’ll be ready in a more...

This is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries..But, now we know. If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race... you're a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework... you're a pansy. If you work too hard... there's never any time for her. If you don't work enough... you're a good-for-nothing bum. If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay... this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay... you should get off your lazy behind and find something better. If you get a promotion ahead of her... that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you... it's equal opportunity. If you mention how nice she looks... it's sexual harassment. If you keep quiet... it's male indifference. If you cry... you're a wimp. If you don't... you're insensitive. If you make a decision without consulting her... you're a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you... she's a liberated woman. If you ask her to do more...

The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want

The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want

The wife says: It’s your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious

The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You’ll pay for this later

The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain

The wife says: Sure… go ahead
The wife means: I don’t want you to

The wife says: I’n not upset
The wife means: Of course I’m upset you moron

The wife says: You’re … so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot

The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.

The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.

The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and more...

Many years after Bill Clinton had been President of the United States a famous biographer was going to write Bill's life story.
During the course of his interview he asked Bill, "What was your best and your worst decision during the Presidency".
Bill rolled his eyes back in deep thought and then said, "Monica Lewinski! I'd have to say Monica was my best and my worst decision".
"How could that be, Bill?", asked the surprised biographer.
Bill smiled and then shook his head, "I'd have to say she was both my best and my worst decision for the same reason."
"That's odd. What was the reason for that?", said the biographer.
Bill squirmed in his chair and answered, "Monica had a big mouth."

Bill Gates dies in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.
"Well Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer into almost every home in America. Yet, you also created that GHASTLY Windows' 95. In your case, I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to spend eternity, which will it be Heaven or Hell?"
Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"
St. Peter said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision."
"Fine, But where should I go first?"
"I'll leave that up to you."
"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."
So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful clean, sandy beach with clear, cool water and lots of bikini-clad women running more...

Bill Gates suddenly dies and finds himself face to face with God. God stood over Bill Gates and said, "Well Bill, I'm really confused on this one. It's a tough decision I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows' 95 among other indiscretions. I believe I'll do something I've never done before I'll let you decide where you want to go." Bill pushed up his glasses, looked up at God and replied, "Could you briefly explain the difference between the two?" Looking slightly puzzled, God said, "Better yet, why don't I let you visit both places briefly, then you can make your decision. Which do you choose to see first, Heaven or Hell?" Bill played with his pocket protector for a moment, then looked back at God and said, "I think I'll try Hell first." So, with a flash of lightning and a cloud of smoke, Bill more...