Decision Jokes / Recent Jokes

Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done".

Quote from the Boss... "I didn`t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you."

A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired."

My Boss frequently gets lost in thought. That`s because it`s unfamiliar territory.

My Boss said to me " What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.

My Boss needs a surge protector. That way his mouth would be buffered from surprise spikes in his brain.

I thought my Boss was an idiot, and quit, to work for myself. My new Boss is an idiot, too. .. but at least I respect him.

He`s given automobile accident victims new hope for recovery. He walks, talks and more...

THE MEN'S GUIDE TO FEMALE ENGLISH

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're. .. so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

I'm not emotional! And I'm not overreacting! = I've got my period

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost more...

There was a boss who was told by his boss that he had to get rid of at least one employee. So he narrowed the decision to one of two new employees, Jack or Mary.
He then decided to speak to each one privately, and let their reactions help guide his decision. So he called in Jack, explained the situation and, of course, Jack said he didn't want to lose his job, but he understood the boss's situation.
Then he called in Mary, and said, 'Mary, I've got a problem; By the end of the day, I've got to lay you or Jack off...' And Mary says, 'Then you're gonna have to jack off, buster, I've got a headache!'

If architects had to work like programmers. . . Dear Mr. Architect, Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion. My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one. Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them). As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite more...

Bill Gates died and found himself in Purgatory being sized up by God. "Well, Bill," God said, "I'm really confused about this call; I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world, and yet you created that ghastly Windows 95. So I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "Okay, then, let's try Hell first." So off Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing more...

Bill Gates died and was greeted at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "You have a choice. Take a look around here, then pop down to hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check both places out and then let me know your decision," said St. Peter.
Bill took a look around heaven and saw lots of somber people singing hymns and praising the Lord. He then took a look around hell and saw beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, cool drinks and gorgeous women.
He went back to give St. Peter his decision. "I realize you're doing some wonderful things here," he said, "but hell seems much more with it, more my kind of scene. No hard feelings, but I pick hell."
"No problem," said St. Peter, "you've got it."
Bill then found himself back in hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. Not being able to figure it out, he yelled up to St. Peter, "Hey, St. Peter, what happened to all the beautiful beaches, cool drinks more...

WOMEN? S LANGUAGE TRANSLATEDYes = NoNo = YesMaybe = NoI? m sorry. = You? ll be sorry. We need... = I wantIt? s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now. Do what you want... = You? ll pay for this later. We need to talk... = I need to complain Sure... go ahead = I don? t want you to. I? m not upset = Of course I? m upset, you moron! You? re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot. You? re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs. This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house. I want new curtains =. .. and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper..... Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there! I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep. Do you love me? = I? m going to ask for something expensive. How much do you love me? = I did something today you? re really not going to like. I? ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV. Am I more...