Degeneres Jokes

Chuck Norris made Ellen Degeneres straight.

Ellen Degeneres Quotes
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
I was coming home from kindergarten - well they told me it was kindergarten. I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years. It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
People always ask me,' Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.
The sixties were when hallucinogentic drugs were really, really big. And I don't think it's a coincidence that we had the type of shows we had then, like The Flying Nun.
Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two. Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman, so they decided to make me thirty-two. Much more appealing somehow.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she more...

Did you hear that Ellen Degeneres has a new line of sneakers "coming out"? They're called "dykeees". They have a longer than normal tongue and you can get them off with one finger!

Ellen Degeneres emerged unhurt from a three-car collision in Los Angeles on Friday. By sheer, bizarre coincidence, the drivers of the other two cars were Sarah Gilbert and Billie Jean King respectively.