Demand Jokes / Recent Jokes
According to the FBI, most modern-day bank robberies are "unsophisticated and unprofessional crimes," committed by young male repeat offenders who apparently don't know the first thing about their business. This information was included in an interesting, amusing article titles "How Not to Rob a Bank," by Tim Clark, which appeared in the 1987 edition of The Old Farmers Almanac.
Clark reported that in spite of the widespread use of surveillance cameras, 76 percent of bank robbers use no disguise, 86 percent never study the bank before robbing it, and 95 percent make no long-range plans for concealing the loot. Thus, he offered this advice to would-be bank robbers, along with examples of what can happen if the rules aren't followed:
Pick the right bank. Clark advises that you don't follow the lead of the fellow in Anaheim, Cal., who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money. On the other hand, you don't want to be too familiar more...
PICK THE RIGHT BANK You don't want to make the same mistake as the fellow in Anaheim, CA, who tried to hold up a bank that was no longer in business and had no money.
STUDY YOUR HISTORY Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar, those Minnesotans.
SPEAK TO THE RIGHT TELLER One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.
DON'T SIGN YOUR DEMAND NOTE Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit....and in East Hartford, Connecticut, more...
Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the' real' reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one he/she seems to consider important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly-dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your more...
5. I will not demand to get out the minute after I come in? and visa versa. 4. I will not scratch wallpaper, curtains, furniture, clothing or my scratch pad. 3. I will not annoy the dog next door (unless I? m in a bad mood) 2. I will come when my human calls me (occasionally)and the Number One New Year Resolution for Cookie is... 1. I will not sleep more than 23 hours per day.
Top twenty things to do at a drivethru
Drive through the drive thru in reverse and let your passenger order.
Ask prices of everything on the menu then order something that you did not ask the price for.
Pretend like your window is broken. Tell the employee this. Order with your door open, pay with your door open. Roll down window and take food through the window.
Go to McDonalds and demand a big breakfast at 11: 30 at night. Put up a fight.
Pay for a large order in pennies and nickels unwrapped.
Order in another language. Be careful what neighborhood you are in.
When asked if they can take your order, tell them you are just window shopping and drive on.
Laugh sadistically when asked if you would like ketchup.
Ask how they fit into that little box.
If they make you wait, make them wait when they come back on.
Demand to speak to the manager. When he comes on, complain more...
10. Secretly replace the baby's formula with Folger's Crystals.
9. Get a couple of old refrigerator boxes and paint them up to look like a toll booth. Set it up on your favorite street corner and watch the quarters roll in.
8. Make yourself up like you've been in a horrible, mutilating accident, then go to the emergency room of the nearest hospital. When approached by a nurse or doctor, say, "No, thank-you, I'm
just browsing."
7. Call the Microsoft Support Line and insist on speaking directly to Bill Gates. Tell them that MS-DOS was your idea and you demand royalties. Demand Bill's home phone number. Get verbally abusive when they refuse you.
6. Two words: Cherry Bomb.
5. Make two dinner reservations at the finest restaurant you can find, then dress yourself and a goat in tuxedos. When the Management refuses you service, insist that the animal is a
seeing-eye goat. For added effect, feed the goat a few boxes of EX-LAX before you arrive.
4. more...
Ever notice that when you drop a buttered piece of bread, it drops butter side down? And what about cats? Cats always land on their feet, right? So, the question is, what would happen if you took a piece of buttered bread, strapped it on the back of a cat (butter side up) and dropped the cat from any local precipice? The results are obvious! The laws of butterology demand that the butter must hit the ground, and the equally strict laws of feline aerodynamics demand that the cat can not smash it's furry back. If the combined construct were to land, nature would have no way to resolve this paradox. Therefore it simply does not fall. That's right you clever mortal (well, as clever as a mortal can get), you have discovered the secret of antigravity! A buttered cat will, when released, quickly move to a height where the forces of cat-twisting and butter repulsion are in equilibrium. This equilibrium point can be modified by scraping off some of the butter, providing lift, or removing some more...