Described Jokes

A local newspaper was having a best and worst of everything competition. One of the categories was "Worst Noise," which elicited some incredible stories. People described noises such as collapsing houses, bones breaking, dogs yelping due to pain, etc. But the winning entry came from a guy who described what happened to him one night when he was sleeping with a woman he met at a bar.
They were making love in her bed, when all of a sudden her husband (who was supposed to be out of town on business) came crashing into the room and caught them in the act.
The guy said, "I couldn't think of what to do, so I jumped out the window in my nakedness. On my way out the window, her husband grabbed me by the balls. He had me hanging out the window by the balls, and the worst noise I've ever heard was him trying to open up his pocketknife with his teeth!"

British authorities described the terrorist plot as, "Mass murder on an unimaginable scale," while Lebanon's Prime Minister Saniora described it as, "Not so unimaginable."

Extracted from US news papers:
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A 24-YEAR-old man being chased by a police officer from a Beverly Hills, Calif., house that he was
suspected of burglarizing ran into a tree branch and knocked himself unconscious. In September, in
Akron, Ohio, police said that Christopher S. Dobbins, 28, in the process of robbing Leonardo's Pizza,
slipped on a streak of grease on the floor, which was the result of a dropped pizza earlier in the
evening, and knocked himself out.
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IN ST. LOUIS IN OCTOBER, according to police, Robert Puelo, 32, stole a hot dog from a 7-Eleven and
left the store, cramming it into his mouth as he ran. Minutes later, Puelo choked to death on a
6-inch piece of the hot dog that lodged in his throat.
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In Council Bluffs, Iowa, seven relatives ranging in age from 10 to 71 piled into the family car
intending to commit suicide over more...

Editor's Note: It's dry parody. You gotta really like sci-fi to enjoy this one...

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Experiment 8 Postflight Summary
NASA publication 14-307-1792
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ABSTRACT

The purpose of this experiment was to prepare for the expected participation in long-term space based research by husband-wife teams once the US space station is in place. To this end, the investigators explored a number of possible approaches to continued marital relations in the zero-G orbital environment provided by the XXXXXX shuttle mission.

Our primary conclusion is that satisfactory marital relations are within the realm of possibility in zero-G, but that many couples would have difficulty getting used to the approaches we found to be most satisfactory.

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INTRODUCTION

The more...

A 27-year-old man described as one of the world's most prolific spammers was arrested Wednesday. Authorities described him as a horny single in your area with a 12 inch penis with hundreds of Ebay success kits, free surveys with easy cash advance and credit boosting techniques. He has been placed in prison with the arduous task of reading every spam mail on his account without the benefit of a Bulk Mail folder.