Described Jokes / Recent Jokes
A local newspaper was having a best and worst of everything competition. One of the categories was "Worst Noise," which elicited some incredible stories. People described noises such as collapsing houses, bones breaking, dogs yelping due to pain, etc. But the winning entry came from a guy who described what happened to him one night when he was sleeping with a woman he met at a bar.
They were making love in her bed, when all of a sudden her husband (who was supposed to be out of town on business) came crashing into the room and caught them in the act.
The guy said, "I couldn't think of what to do, so I jumped out the window in my nakedness. On my way out the window, her husband grabbed me by the balls. He had me hanging out the window by the balls, and the worst noise I've ever heard was him trying to open up his pocketknife with his teeth!"
How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
The steps described below may be performed at the option of the party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the more...
Extracted from US news papers:
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A 24-YEAR-old man being chased by a police officer from a Beverly Hills, Calif., house that he was
suspected of burglarizing ran into a tree branch and knocked himself unconscious. In September, in
Akron, Ohio, police said that Christopher S. Dobbins, 28, in the process of robbing Leonardo's Pizza,
slipped on a streak of grease on the floor, which was the result of a dropped pizza earlier in the
evening, and knocked himself out.
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IN ST. LOUIS IN OCTOBER, according to police, Robert Puelo, 32, stole a hot dog from a 7-Eleven and
left the store, cramming it into his mouth as he ran. Minutes later, Puelo choked to death on a
6-inch piece of the hot dog that lodged in his throat.
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In Council Bluffs, Iowa, seven relatives ranging in age from 10 to 71 piled into the family car
intending to commit suicide over more...
Brad Pitt described the cesarean birth of his daughter Shiloh as, "Truly peaceful," while new mom Angelina Jolie described it as, "Having my fucking stomach cut open."
A women described that one night, while she and her husband were making love, she suddenly noticed something sticking in his ear. When she asked him what it was he replied,
"Be quiet, woman! I'm listening to the cricket."